Hillaryzilla

Well, another primary election, another win, another lose, and another new campaign strategy. If I got delegate votes for launching campaign strategies I would have the nomination sewn up by now.

For now, my new campaign slogan is, “Forget The Math.” It’s like Remember the Alamo, but in reverse.

Delegates don’t count. SuperDelegates don’t count. What really counts is a new strategy, and today’s strategy is all about electoral votes. I need 270 electoral votes to win the White House from John McCain.

Yes, that’s still math, and I want everyone to Forget The Math. That’s my slogan. Underneath that slogan is a sub slogan, “Remember the swing states!” Those are the big states that I won and Senator Obama lost. California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida, Michigan.

Without those states John McCain cannot be President. I’ve already won those states, so I make the best hope for the Democrats to take back the White House.

But it’s not math.

I’m not dead. My campaign for President is not dead. Published reports are indicating the contrary and I’m doing everything I can to show my many fans supporters that I’m alive and well.

George McGovern is a no-good, communist pinkie supporter and doesn’t deserve to have SuperDelegate status in the Democratic party. He’s from South Dakota, for crying out loud. How does that make him qualified to tell voters what to do?

I’m in this race to win. Barack Obama doesn’t have it sewn up yet. We still split Indiana and North Carolina. We each got a win. How does that make him the winner and me the loser?

Talk about a double standard.

More than anything else I’m worried about money. When the press starts calling me a loser, then campaign supporters stop supporting me with the contributions. I have to pay for this campaign myself.

I have a call into Mitt Romney to see if he’d like to be Vice President.

I was warned against doing an interview on Bill O’Reilly’s television show. He is so anti-Democratic, so hostile, so anti-Clinton. Everyone asked me what I hoped to gain.

Ha. What they didn’t know. 

O’Reilly was civil, courteous, agreed to disagree, and the whole show was without incident and a smash ratings success. Why?

Just before the cameras were turned on I leaned over and whispered to Bill, ‘Listen you sleeze bag, piss-poor excuse for a voter, I have photos that show you wearing women’s panties. White cotton from Jockey, to be precise, size 8. If you give me a difficult time today, I’ll whip those photos out faster than you can say pantyhose, and have them published on the internet before your show goes off the air. For the last time. Do we have a deal?”

O’Reilly sat back in his chair, gulped, looked me right in the eye, and said, ‘Yes Ma-am.”

The rest is history. We had a good time. Now I can come on his show any time I want. It’s all in the power of persuasion.

Our internal polls show I should take Indiana this week, but will lose North Carolina. That’s a split decision. There’s good and bad in winning one and losing the other.

The good: I’ll be able to keep my campaign going but it’s going to cost money.

The bad: I’ll be able to keep my campaign going but I won’t have any more money.

I call that the conundrum paradox. Damned if you don’t, and damned if you do.

Barack and I have both inched toward the center for setting expectations. He know he’ll win North Carolina but says it’s going to be close. I know I’ll win in Indiana (lots of white people there) but it’s going to be close. We’ll both end up losing by a mile in one state or the other, just as we expect.

Overall, each primary election now means status quo. Voters are already in a groove and getting the unseated and moving away from a candidate is almost impossible.

Unless Bill says something stupid again.

Consider it a wake up call from the Warrior Queen. If Iran does anything, I repeat, anything to harm Israel, I would not hesitate to nuke them back to the Dark Ages. For Iran, that would be about 10 years ago. They haven’t advanced much.

Alright, maybe nuke is a harsh word. How about massive retaliation? That works. Poor warmonger George Bush and his evil warring twin, John McCain won’t be able to figure this one out. I’m against the war in Iraq but voted for it. I want to bring troops home from Iraq but I’m ready to nuke retaliate against Iran. Keep ‘em guessing

Come to think of it, even massive retaliation has a certain wimpyness to it, totally unbefitting a Warrior Queen. How about totally obliterate?

I like that.

All I’m saying these days is that Tuesday’s election in Indiana is a game changer. When I win that election I get to use the same phrase again in North Carolina. When I win there it’s a game changer.

What’s the game?

Politics as usual. Nothing really changes. You would think that voters realize that by now. Barack Obama talks a good game about politics of the past, but it didn’t take him long to dump his minister off on a country road and run over him a couple of times.

That’s politics at its best. Run over your friends if they get in your way.

Mark Penn coined the phrase ‘game changer.’ I’m using it now. Not because the game is changing, but just to spite Mark Penn. He was a friend until I ran over him.

Paying some historical homage to General Custer, Indiana is pretty much Clinton’s Last Stand. The man on the hot seat for delivering a win in Indiana is Evan Bayh, the former Governor-turned-Senator who promised me he would deliver his state. He’s my biggest booster in Indiana.

We’ll see. It’s getting awfully close in the polls.

Evan is like his daddy and runs the political machine in the Hoosier State. If anything political happens in Indiana I’m sure that Bayh is behind it. Good or bad.

I’ll admit that I’m taxing my patience with these wannabe Ambassadors. Everyone wants to give me a state and then get appointed as Ambassador to France or England or the Bahamas or someplace.

Deliver the goods, or it’s bye bye Bayh.

Joe Andrew is a traitor. How dare he defect to the Obama campaign after all I’ve done for him. Who does he think he is? He’s finished in this business once I’m in the White House.

What is the world coming to when you can’t trust political appointees to do what you tell them to do.

Bill appointed Joe as head of the Democratic National Convention back in the day. We treated him like family. He even tried to hit on me once. I think. I’d had a bit too much to drink at dinner that night. Maybe it was just another Joe.

Today Joe Andrew is just another Joe Priest, a Judas without conscience. Everyone knows what happened to Judas.

What bothers me most is that Joe switched allegiances. He was a committed and announced SuperDelegate for me and he turned traitor. What did Obama give him? What was he promised?

It doesn’t matter. He’ll never work in Washington again.

Bill called me on the cell phone last night and said that North Carolina Governor Mike Easley would endorse me instead of Barack Obama. Praise be to the Lord! The man should get a cabinet post if I win North Carolina’s primary. We could always use another person of color in the New Clinton White House.

Imagine my surprise when I went to North Carolina for a rally and Governor Easley came on stage. The man is white. He’s whiter than me. I was expecting a black man. What good is the endorsement of a white governor in a black state?

I really thought Governor Easley was black. I’m just glad nobody got a photo of my face, total surprise, when he walked on stage.

The man has good political math skills, which I appreciate. Easley says if I lose North Carolina by less than 15 points, then he’d consider that a victory.

One thing I love to do to people in the media is play chameleon and constantly re-invent myself. They eat it up, thinking all the while that I’m connecting with people, showing the real me. If anyone is doing a count I’m up to the seventh ‘real me’ since the Iowa caucuses. 

The latest series of television ads, the greatest political reinvention tool ever created, shows me as ‘working class‘. When I told Bill I was running a bunch of television ads which depict me as working class he spit up his drink laughing so hard.

I grew up in Chicago. My parents were wealthy. I went to a rich white girls school. What do I know about working class anything? But a picture is worth a thousand words, and a video of me highlighting my Midwestern working class roots, born of blue collar, working hard for the money is just priceless.

This week I’m on television telling all the voters in Indiana that I’m just a neighborhood home town girl from Chicago, right next door to them, a working girl who embraces hard work and opportunity.

They eat this stuff up.