Hillary in the House

My latest ad campaign is code named ‘HillaryVirus.’ It’s viral marketing. I’m not completely sure what that means but my aides and advisors think it’s cool. When I asked them if a viral marketing campaign would help me defeat Barack Obama they all shrugged, and said, ‘meh.’ I came up with the ‘Hillary in the … Read More »

Where in the world is Barack Obama?

I am concerned for Barack Obama. Ever since I won a decisive primary victory in Indiana, he’s been off the campaign trail, probably licking his wounds and pondering obscurity. I understand Obama’s appeal. He’s an attractive black man, a mixture of cultures, an enticing and engaging, some say exotic, man of learning and discipline. That’s … Read More »

Courting votes in Kentucky, West Virginia

Voters come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Kentucky and West Virgina are home to my kind of people. ¬†These are the people who need me the most, who respect my ideals of purity in government, and who can be called upon to serve. You don’t find such loyal voters these days. I’m the only … Read More »

The gas tax gimmick explained

In the face of rising fuel costs, I proposed a federal Gas Tax Holiday and somehow people didn’t buy it. What’s not to like? The proposal was simple. We have record high gasoline prices, partly because the government collects taxes on each gallon pumped. I propose that from Memorial Day through Labor Day, that we, … Read More »

Time for a new new strategy

Well, another primary election, another win, another lose, and another new campaign strategy. If I got delegate votes for launching campaign strategies I would have the nomination sewn up by now. For now, my new campaign slogan is, “Forget The Math.” It’s like Remember the Alamo, but in reverse. Delegates don’t count. SuperDelegates don’t count. … Read More »

Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

I’m not dead. My campaign for President is not dead. Published reports are indicating the contrary and I’m doing everything I can to show my many fans supporters that I’m alive and well. George McGovern is a no-good, communist pinkie supporter and doesn’t deserve to have SuperDelegate status in the Democratic party. He’s from South … Read More »

Bill O’Reilly wears women’s panties

I was warned against doing an interview on Bill O’Reilly’s television show. He is so anti-Democratic, so hostile, so anti-Clinton. Everyone asked me what I hoped to gain. Ha. What they didn’t know.¬† O’Reilly was civil, courteous, agreed to disagree, and the whole show was without incident and a smash ratings success. Why? Just before … Read More »

The paradox of a split decision

Our internal polls show I should take Indiana this week, but will lose North Carolina. That’s a split decision. There’s good and bad in winning one and losing the other. The good: I’ll be able to keep my campaign going but it’s going to cost money. The bad: I’ll be able to keep my campaign … Read More »