Hillaryzilla

Al Gore and Jimmy Carter will endorse me for President. I say that 100 times in my prayers every night. It must be working. I didn’t pray for John Edwards’ endorsement and he opted to back Barack Obama.

So, I’m pray to God that I get Al Gore and Jimmy Carter, both of whom are SuperDelegates, each of whom owes me for my tireless efforts on their behalf. If not tireless, certainly some mental consideration on what I could to as President that would make me better than Jimmy Carter, and more popular than Al Gore.

Frankly, I never understood Jimmy Carter’s popularity. His homespun demeanor didn’t do much except make him a one-term wonder. He’s more popular as an ex-President than he was when he was in the White House.

Al Gore is a totally different story. The man almost had a nervous break down after losing to Bush in 2000 and now he’s a media darling, raking in the cash from personal appearances, owns an Emmy, a Grammy, a Nobel Peace Prize, and no one says anything about his cock fighting habit. He showed the operation to Bill and me back in the 1990s. Bill took pictures. That’s why Al was so quiet during Bill’s presidency.

I’ve threatened to go public with the photos but he said he would deny it, and people would certainly believe him over me.

Publicly, it was a gaffe and I meant no disrespect. Privately, it was a shrewd move. I’m not saying that I’m playing the assassination card, but as Chris Rock explained regarding O.J. Simpson, “I understand.”

Things happen when you least expect them to happen. John Kennedy was killed by a sniper who lived in the Soviet Union. Before anyone could find out why, the assassin was killed by another assassin who died of cancer almost immediately.

So, Bill Clinton didn’t wrap up the 1992 Democratic nomination until he won the California primary, just like Robert Kennedy did back in 1968. Look what happened to him. Instant assassination by a crazy man. The same unexpected tragedy occurred to Dr. Martin Luther King. One minute you’re on top of the world and the next minute someone brings you down.

Barack Obama is on top of the world.

One does not predict the future. One must be ready to take what the future brings. Opportunity.

The SuperDelegates are beginning to piss me off. All this switching sides. It’s un-American. It’s disloyal. Am I the only person who pays attention to the trends in the primaries?

I prepared a little flyer for the SuperDelegates showing them what has happened in the Democratic primary elections. It’s been two seasons. Barack won the first season, because the rules were stacked in his favor. Even when I won a state in the election, I got fewer delegates than Barack.

The second season is all Hillary. I’ve won more states. I’ve won more delegates. I’ve won more of the popular vote. I did all that after all the media pundits wrote me off. I did all that while Barack Obama outspent me 3 to 1.

Barack is coasting while I’m picking up a head of steam.

Doesn’t that deserve the respect of the remaining uncommitted SuperDelegates? I think so. But, noooooo, they’re climbing on a bandwagon that’s lost momentum and can’t beat John McCain in the November election. 

They’ll be sorry they didn’t respect me.

What is it with news people and political pundits? I win a primary by overwhelming numbers and all anyone talks about is when I plan to drop out of the race.

Hello? NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC! Haven’t you heard of ‘comebacks?’

Sure, things are not looking up right now. West Virginia voters are mostly white, disadvantaged, poorly educated, and, frankly, lacking in dental hygiene, but they’re my kind of people. They vote how I would vote if I were like them, and I thank the gods every night that I’m not.

I can’t even get Barack Obama’s attention anymore. All he talks about is John McCain and George W. Bush. Hello! Barack! I’m over here. I’m the Comeback Kid who’s married to the Comeback Kid. Remember us?

The Kennedy’s had Camelot. Nixon had Watergate. We had Monicagate. I wonder if people grow tired of all the baggage that politicians bring to the electoral process?

Alright. One more comeback. It starts now. Today. I’m coming back. Stronger than ever. What doesn’t kill me makes me a better President.

I’m coming back. I really am. I think I can… I think I can… I think I can.

Voters come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Kentucky and West Virgina are home to my kind of people.

 These are the people who need me the most, who respect my ideals of purity in government, and who can be called upon to serve.

You don’t find such loyal voters these days. I’m the only candidate reaching out and embracing such young voters. These are hard-working, disadvantaged Americans who need a strong leader.

Barack Obama claims he’s the agent for change, but how does he plan to help the disadvantaged young white males in Kentucky and West Virginia?

All we get is a ‘no comment.’

Sure, he has the American elite, the professionals, those with money, but what of the American youth who have no leader, no future, no assets, no style or sense of fashion, no understanding of history?

What of the disenfranchised who roam the hill country of Kentucky and West Virginia in search of livlihood? These are the ordinary Americans who are drawn to my campaign, who want to see American stand tall in the world again, who want to representthe future change to a pure form of politics without dissent, without harsh criticism, without feel-good politics with no substance.

Wherever I go I see these Americans who have no hope, no voice and who long for the good old days of supremacy. I am here, America. Take me. I will be your new leader.

Well, another primary election, another win, another lose, and another new campaign strategy. If I got delegate votes for launching campaign strategies I would have the nomination sewn up by now.

For now, my new campaign slogan is, “Forget The Math.” It’s like Remember the Alamo, but in reverse.

Delegates don’t count. SuperDelegates don’t count. What really counts is a new strategy, and today’s strategy is all about electoral votes. I need 270 electoral votes to win the White House from John McCain.

Yes, that’s still math, and I want everyone to Forget The Math. That’s my slogan. Underneath that slogan is a sub slogan, “Remember the swing states!” Those are the big states that I won and Senator Obama lost. California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida, Michigan.

Without those states John McCain cannot be President. I’ve already won those states, so I make the best hope for the Democrats to take back the White House.

But it’s not math.

Our internal polls show I should take Indiana this week, but will lose North Carolina. That’s a split decision. There’s good and bad in winning one and losing the other.

The good: I’ll be able to keep my campaign going but it’s going to cost money.

The bad: I’ll be able to keep my campaign going but I won’t have any more money.

I call that the conundrum paradox. Damned if you don’t, and damned if you do.

Barack and I have both inched toward the center for setting expectations. He know he’ll win North Carolina but says it’s going to be close. I know I’ll win in Indiana (lots of white people there) but it’s going to be close. We’ll both end up losing by a mile in one state or the other, just as we expect.

Overall, each primary election now means status quo. Voters are already in a groove and getting the unseated and moving away from a candidate is almost impossible.

Unless Bill says something stupid again.

Bill called me on the cell phone last night and said that North Carolina Governor Mike Easley would endorse me instead of Barack Obama. Praise be to the Lord! The man should get a cabinet post if I win North Carolina’s primary. We could always use another person of color in the New Clinton White House.

Imagine my surprise when I went to North Carolina for a rally and Governor Easley came on stage. The man is white. He’s whiter than me. I was expecting a black man. What good is the endorsement of a white governor in a black state?

I really thought Governor Easley was black. I’m just glad nobody got a photo of my face, total surprise, when he walked on stage.

The man has good political math skills, which I appreciate. Easley says if I lose North Carolina by less than 15 points, then he’d consider that a victory.

It dawned on me that I’m suddenly getting political support from the strangest places. It isn’t money, it’s kudos from the unlikeliest sources.

Who supports Hillary Clinton these days?

Rush Limbaugh, that’s who. Rush and Pat Buchanan. Limbaugh started to encourage people to vote for me back in the Texas and Ohio primaries. Maybe that’s why I won. Pat Buchanan, who thinks John McCain is a closet liberal, lobs grenades at Barack Obama every night on television. That means he supports me, right? What else could it mean?

Then there’s Karl Rove, kingpin of the Bush legacy and all that is wrong with America these days. He says that Democrats should count both the Michigan and Florida primary results based on the voter tally. I won Florida and those votes would help me win the nomination.

Why have all these died-in-the-wool anti-Clintonites suddenly come out in favor of me?

If Barack Obama and his supporters can play the African-American race card, then I can play the gender card. If Barack Obama can speak about race in American, then I can play the gender card and give a major speech about gender inequality.

Except for one thing. I don’t know what to say. 

Those pant suits should tell people something. Bill’s excursions into the arms of other women should tell people something. Unfortunately, the voters are not good at catching on to the obvious. 

In the Clinton family, I wear the pants. I act like a man. I think like a Man. I’m tough like a man. Playing the so-called gender card is not an easy task for me.

The recent election in Pennsylvania should tell another story. 60-percent of the voters were women, and I won that vote over Barack Obama, 56-percent to 44-percent.

Women voters want a strong, man-like leader in the White House. That’s why they’re voting for me. So, how can I play the gender card?