Something wicked this way comes

Al Gore and Jimmy Carter will endorse me for President. I say that 100 times in my prayers every night. It must be working. I didn’t pray for John Edwards’ endorsement and he opted to back Barack Obama. So, I’m pray to God that I get Al Gore and Jimmy Carter, both of whom are … Read More »

Factoring in JFK, RFK, Dr. MLK

Publicly, it was a gaffe and I meant no disrespect. Privately, it was a shrewd move. I’m not saying that I’m playing the assassination card, but as Chris Rock explained regarding O.J. Simpson, “I understand.” Things happen when you least expect them to happen. John Kennedy was killed by a sniper who lived in the … Read More »

You gotta R E S P E C T me! Or, else!

The SuperDelegates are beginning to piss me off. All this switching sides. It’s un-American. It’s disloyal. Am I the only person who pays attention to the trends in the primaries? I prepared a little flyer for the SuperDelegates showing them what has happened in the Democratic primary elections. It’s been two seasons. Barack won the … Read More »

So much for the ‘Comeback Kid’

What is it with news people and political pundits? I win a primary by overwhelming numbers and all anyone talks about is when I plan to drop out of the race. Hello? NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC! Haven’t you heard of ‘comebacks?’ Sure, things are not looking up right now. West Virginia voters are mostly white, … Read More »

Courting votes in Kentucky, West Virginia

Voters come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Kentucky and West Virgina are home to my kind of people. ┬áThese are the people who need me the most, who respect my ideals of purity in government, and who can be called upon to serve. You don’t find such loyal voters these days. I’m the only … Read More »

Time for a new new strategy

Well, another primary election, another win, another lose, and another new campaign strategy. If I got delegate votes for launching campaign strategies I would have the nomination sewn up by now. For now, my new campaign slogan is, “Forget The Math.” It’s like Remember the Alamo, but in reverse. Delegates don’t count. SuperDelegates don’t count. … Read More »

The paradox of a split decision

Our internal polls show I should take Indiana this week, but will lose North Carolina. That’s a split decision. There’s good and bad in winning one and losing the other. The good: I’ll be able to keep my campaign going but it’s going to cost money. The bad: I’ll be able to keep my campaign … Read More »

The governor is a white man

Bill called me on the cell phone last night and said that North Carolina Governor Mike Easley would endorse me instead of Barack Obama. Praise be to the Lord! The man should get a cabinet post if I win North Carolina’s primary. We could always use another person of color in the New Clinton White … Read More »