Hillaryzilla

I’m convinced that Americans don’t mind a little white lie from time to time. Hell, they don’t even mind some whoppers, especially from politicians. We heard some whoppers from Bill in the White House and he was the most popular President ever. Go figure.

So last night I’m on The Tonight Show with David Letterman… or, was it Jay Leno? I forget. Anyway, I told Jay, yes, it was Jay Leno. I told Jay, “You know, I was worried I wasn’t going to make it tonight. I was pinned down by sniper fire!”

Then I just smiled and let the laughs and applause begin. What a great country. A politician can lie like hell but if people like you, or sympathize with you, they don’t mind. They really don’t.

I think that’s because most people lie. They lie to their spouses, to their children, to customers, to the boss, whatever. We’re a country of liars. Why should I be any different? Maybe that’s why I went into public service.

I raised $20-million in March, the most ever. We were celebrating and drinking champaign. Then we heard that Barack Obama raised over $40-million in March.

Where is that money coming from? My campaign was in the hole by almost $9-million last quarter, and I loaned the campaign $5-million, and added another $20-million and it still isn’t enough.

Where do black African-American people get that kind of money?

I’m so glad we only have a few more states to go before the convention. I may not be able to afford to celebrate in Pennsylvania. Mark Penn told reporters that we’re being outspent 4 to 1, and 5 to 1 in some primary elections, especially those I won, such as Ohio and Texas. It makes me look efficient, frugal, commanding, and able to squeeze five dollars from a $2-dollar bill.

Barack Obama looks like a spendthrift.

I have a big announcement to make this morning that will set the news media on fire. First, I’ll call a news conference. Second, I have a prepared announcement to read.

“I want to take a moment to say that this has been a very hard fought race. Each of us is drawing enormous support. We clearly need to do something so that our party and the people can make the right decision.”

The only difficulty I think I will have up to that point of the announcement is keeping a straight face. I’ll give a long pause, then take a deep breath, and continue.

“Today, I am challenging Senator Obama to a bowl off, a bowling night, right here in Pennsylvania, winner take all.

I will even spot him 2 frames. It’s time for his campaign to get out of the gutter and allow all of the pins to be counted. I am prepared to play this game all the way to 10th frame. And when this game is over the America people will know when that phone rings at 3am they will have a president who will be able to bowl on day one so let’s strike a deal and go bowling for delegates.

We don’t have a moment to spare, because it’s already April Fools Day, so happy April Fools Day everybody.”

And they say I don’t have a sense of humor. Ha!

It’s the fourth quarter. It’s a close game. Anything can happen. Why should I drop out now? That’s what I told supporters in Indiana. Bill went to Pennyslvania and said basically the same thing.

The game is not over.

Granted, it’s a long shot, but strange things happen in politics. Look at former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. One moment the man is riding high and mighty by bringing down the high and might, and the next moment his wife has him and his belongings on the side walk in front of the Governor’s mansion.

Things happen.

The people of Indiana will believe almost anything and they love come-from-behind stories. Hoosier is just another way to say ‘loser from the Midwest.’ Indiana is something of a little Ohio but without the flare and sophistication. That alone says something about Indiana.

I prefer to campaign in states that have a lot of problems and the people are smart enough to know they have problems but not smart enough to do anything about it.

Florida is so much like Michigan that it scares me. One of my staffers said that Michigan sends more retirees to Florida than any other state. I believe it. Both states are extremes. Extreme cold and misery in Michigan. Extreme heat and old in Florida.

Both states have a chance to come back to the 21st century and hold another Democratic primary election and what do they do? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Neither state wants to hold another primary that could determine the outcome of the Democratic nominee. It’s like they just don’t care.

Well, they didn’t care enough to even count the votes properly in 2000 and look what happened.

An expensive war, thousands of lives lost, billions of dollars wasted, national good will destroyed, and a debt that will never be paid off.

Thanks, Florida. You old people really know how to make things right. The only good thing to come of this is that, sooner or later, all the old people in Michigan will have retired to Florida, so all the lackluster loser Democrats will be confined to a single state that will get washed out to sea in the next hurricane.

Good riddance.

Today is the big day. Today is the day I prove to the world that I know something about foreign policy. I’ve been practicing my big Iraq speech for weeks and it will be the single greatest speech I have ever given, if not the most memorable speech of American politics.

The only problem is that I have this nagging feeling that nobody really cares about Iraq any more except me, Barack and John McCain. McCain is for the war in Iraq. Barack is against the war in Iraq. And I was for the war in Iraq until I was against it.

Anyway, this speech will set the record straight.

I am really pissed at Sinbad for spilling the beans about our trip to Bosnia when Bill was President. We went there with Sheryl Crow and a bunch of others to entertain troops. I count that as foreign policy experience. If Sinbad wants to run for public office and count his trip to Bosnia as experience, then it’s fine with me. He may be a funny guy but all he did was eat three meals three times a day.

The first thing I’m going to do when I get sworn in as President is to have the FBI bring me Howard Dean’s head on a platter. Without the rest of his body.

I swear, Howard is cross dressing, closet Republican. No single person has screwed up the Democratic Party more since Michael Dukakis. Michael who? Everybody laughs when I say that.

Is it any wonder that so-called ‘Dr.’ Howard is no longer a doctor in Vermont? I’m sure they have malpractice laws up there which prevent him from maintaining his practice, so the only thing left to do was to go into politics.

Somehow Howard got elected to preside over the national Democratic Party. The first thing that happened was a bunch of states moved up their presidential primary elections to get more national buzz and media campaign money. Then Howard changed the rules to stop the changes. Then Florida and Michigan decided to move their primaries anyway. Then Howard said their votes wouldn’t count.

Then I won the fictitious primary elections they held in Florida and Michigan anyway, even though the votes don’t count toward seating delegates at the convention. If those votes counted, which they don’t, at least today, then I would be ahead of Barack Obama in the delegate count. What a mess. Thank you, Howard Dean.

What can we do? I say we vote again in Florida and Michigan and I’ll pay for the election cost. I need the delegates. Of course, they may end up being the most expensive primary election delegates in history. No, wait. That title belongs to Mitt Romney.

Publicly, I cannot condone what Geraldine Ferraro said, but everyone knows she’s right. Barack Obama would not be where he is today if he was a fat, balding caucasian politician from Chicago.

It was Bill’s idea to play one last race card and getting Ferraro to yank on Obama’s chain was a masterful ploy. The message is the same. Obama is not like the rest of us. Only the messenger changed. After all, who wants to beat up on an old woman? Ferraro’s gotta be in her mid 70s, maybe even 80 by now. She’s got more wrinkles than a 2,000 year old tree has rings.

The icing on the cake is how the Obama camp jumps like an alley cat on a three-legged mouse when people say things like that. Squirm and squeal and screech. It’s almost comical. Even better is my carefully crafted response from Terry McAuliffe:

“It is regrettable that any of our supporters on both side - because we’ve both had that experience - say things that kind of veer off into the personal. We ought to keep this on the issues. There are differences between us. There are differences between our approaches on healthcare, on energy, on our experience, on our results that we’ve produced for people. That’s what this campaign should be about.”

I love playing hardball. No rejection of Ferraro’s comment. No repudiation. No nothing. Roll ‘em and let ‘em ride. Terry also threw in a line where I’m supposed to remind everyone that Obama is different than the rest of us in some sort of colorful, magical, mystical Barney the Dinosaur kind of way.

I’ll save that one.

I can’t help myself. My victory speech would have been longer but I had the hiccups. I don’t hiccup when I talk but that only lasts about 10 minutes, then I can’t control it any longer.

This was a political victory for the ages.

Who cares that I blew a huge lead in two of the most important sates in the country. No, not Vermont. Not even Rhode Island. Who cares that Barack Obama came back from a 20-point deficit to almost win. He lost.

Who cares that we only gained a dozen or so delegates after throwing the whole damned kitchen sink at Texas and Ohio. I won.

I really, really don’t want to say, “I told you so…” but I have to. I’ve been telling everyone that the new Hillary is back. I am a change we can believe in.