Watch Out, Egypt. I’ve Got Your Number


How dare those Egyptian camel jockeys throw tomatoes at my motorcade! What were they thinking? This is why there are no Egyptian pitchers in pro baseball. They can’t hit anything and completely missed my car and struck one of their own government officials. Watch out, Egypt. I’ve got your number and it goes down every … Continue Reading »

My Talk With Newt Gingrich (speed dial is a bitch)


My phone is always on and I’m usually calling or being called by someone. Bill, Barack, heads of state, celebrities, they all have my number and don’t mind using. Late Sunday night I was trying to call that Chinese blind guy, Chen Guangcheng and apparently hit the wrong photo on my phone’s speed dial. Newt … Continue Reading »

No More Drunk Texting For Me!


This is my own fault, really. I figured that since the Secret Service was engaged in late night revelry that it would be alright for me. The only problem is that I can’t hold my liquor. A bottle, a couple of shots, or even a few sniffs of Purell and I’m done for the night. … Continue Reading »

I’m Going To China, Baby!


The Clintons are going to China. Again. What a shopping trip this will be. Sure, we have to meet top Chinese officials and tour some factories and schools, but the real reason to go to China is all the cheap stuff. And I don’t mean that in a Walmart kind of way. The trip almost … Continue Reading »

I Say Bomb Iran First


President Obama is driving me nuts. He is such a peacenik. No spine at all. While he admonishes the Republicans to stop their loose talk of war, I’m on the war path, publicly telling Iran to get ready for the big one. It’s coming. I slicked down my hair, grabbed the podium, and in no … Continue Reading »

Mitt Romney Is James Bond


When you need someone to say something stupid, who you gonna call? Mitt Romney. He says Russia is America’s main geopolitical foe of the 21st century. Hello? Mitt? 1961 called and they want you to give up playing James Bond. Let me say it first, Governor Romney. Russia is not our main geopolitical foe. It’s … Continue Reading »

Dick Cheney Gets A Heart


The headlines are wrong. Former Vice President Dick Cheney did not have a heart transplant. A transplant implies that he had a heart to start with, and we know full well that Dick Cheney never had a heart. Ever. There are a couple of sad aspects to Cheney and his new heart. The first is … Continue Reading »

The Riverdance Whistle Blower


Guess what? I’m not Irish. Thank God for that. Everywhere you turn these days there’s someone claiming to be Irish. Sarah Palin’s Irish. Diane Sawyer is Irish. Rosie O’Donnell is some kind of queer Irish. Soledad O’Brien is Irish (but she has a great tan). What’s the big deal about being Irish? It’s like some … Continue Reading »