Hillaryzilla

Someone gave me a copy of a memo called, ‘The Path to the Presidency.’ I don’t know who wrote it. Nobody on the staff will say. It’s not Maggie Williams because she won’t put anything down on paper. Maybe it was Mark Penn but the memo doesn’t have any spelling errors.

I figure it was Terry McAuliffe, but he’s denying it was his work.

So, I dig though this little document to see exactly how I’m supposed to defeat Barack Obama’s lead in delegates and win the White House. Well, it turns out that the memo doesn’t really say ‘how.’

It offers some arguments about why I’m qualified, why I should be the one to run against John McCain, and so on, but certainly no ‘how to‘ anywhere. From what I can tell, it’s a waste of good paper, but we leaked it to the press anyway. They’ll print anything if they think it’s been leaked.

One thing is clear about whoever wrote this piece, they’re an insider. They know how I think. They know what I feel. They know  my campaign to smear Barack Obama is working. No, it won’t get me the delegates to be nominated outright. Obama has more delegates and that’s not likely to change.

The key is the SuperDelegates. They will decide the election. If I can get them to think Obama would lose in the general election against McCain, they’ll pick me instead. That’s what the memo should say. That’s the path to the Presidency.

Chelsea came up to me after the debate last night and said, “Mom, you’re doing it again.” I said, “What? I smiled, didn’t I?” She said, “Yes, but you’re still obsessing over Barack, and it shows on camera, especially when he touched you tonight.”

She’s right. I’m obsessing. Neither Bill nor I have been able to figure out what Barack does that is so captivating to voters. Obama’s not particularly good looking, he gives good speeches, but his Senate record is as close to a mirror of mine as you can get. Hell, I smile better, and I certainly debate better.

Exasperated, I asked Chelsea, “Honey, we’ve tried everything. What do you think we should do?” Chelsea isn’t much for political strategy and tactics, so some genes just don’t get inherited no matter what they say, but she is observant in ways that exceed the abilities of her father.

Chelsea said, “Which Obama was on stage tonight? There’s more than one Obama, you know? Which one are you up against?”

She’s right. There’s more than one Barack Obama. Maybe someone cloned the guy and didn’t get it just right. Whatever it is, the Barack Obama you meet in person is boring, not in the least charming, almost stiff in an Al Gore-in-public way.

The Barack Obama on stage in front of a campaign rally is a gift motivational speaker, the ultimate android. During a debate, he just sits there and stutters, with his head cocked to one side, and struggles to complete a sentence.

Chelsea is on to something. There’s more than one Barack Obama. There’s the arcticulate and intelligent Obama orator people see in the television commercials and on stage addressing a crowd. Then there’s the stilted Obama who sits stiff and awkwardly through a debate and can’t finish a sentence. The problem here is that no one watches the debates so they can’t tell there’s more than one Obama.

Which one is the real Obama?

Politics never fails to amaze me. Just when you thought a political candidate was long dead and buried, he rises like a phoenix from the ashes to inspire the electorate. Well, maybe just inspire Tim Russert and the wags that watch Meet the Press.

Ralph Nader is at it again. The man is positively the anti-Marion Berry of politics, all goody-two-shoes about it, and working the press like Jerry Brown, but with more hair. All I can say is, “Go for it, Ralph. May the Force be with you.”

What this season of campaigns for President really needs is more viable fringe candidates. Dennis Kucinich was the Democratic fringe, and Ron Paul was the Republican fringe, though neither is intellectually viable, being mere examples of The Little Engine That Could (but not) class of campaigns.

The way I figure it is this– Barack Obama’s whole presidential campaign is pure fringe. Spiritual, yes. Substantive, no. Change, yes. Intellectual, no. Ralph Nader brings to the presidential campaign everything that Obama’s campaign lacks. Once voters see the differences, the effete intellectual faction and those that want to be, will migrate to Nader’s latest lost cause.

All we need is about 10-percent to defect to the other dark side. Long live Ralph Nader.

Alright, I praised Barack Obama during last night’s presidential debate. More than once. Is that so bad? I felt sympathy for the guy and figured he needed a few good words to build up his spirits. He looked so down and out of it all through the debate. He stammered and stuttered and struggled to complete a sentence.

These campaigns can be grueling. I know a thing or two about gruel.

But in no way was my praise a sign of Obama Fever spreading to the Clinton campaign. In no way am I throwing in the towel and calling it quits. Not today. Not next week. Not never. Well, never say never, of course. After all, it is politics.

If the truth be told then I’m simply doing what I see Mike Huckabee doing to John McCain. Frankly, those Arkansas boys are very shrewd when it comes to political gamesmanship. John McCain has the Republican presidential nomination all sewn up, locked down, put away.

Why does Huckabee keep running? Why does Huckabee keep saying nice things about McCain? Huckabee can’t win, right? The reason Huckabee keeps going is because tomorrow is always a new day. Always. If I were Huckabee I would do the same thing. John McCain is in his 70s already. He’s not a young man. His health is not that good. Tomorrow McCain could wake up dead. Then what?

Who would take McCain’s place on the Republican ticket? Mike Huckabee, that’s who. He’s playing the Vulture Card.

Making nice to Barack Obama is not an example of throwing in the towel. It’s a perfect example of strategy and tactics. Tomorrow Obama could wake up dead. Then what? I’m here. I can be trusted. I’m ready to lead on day one. I want Obama’s supporters to realize I’m their next best agent for change. Their dream will live on in me. I could channel Barack Obama right into the White House.

No one should ever think that Hillary Clinton doesn’t know the truth about John McCain and Barack Obama. The truth is, they’re not Americans.

Since neither McCain or Obama can claim to be a true, naturally born American, they can’t be elected President. It won’t happen. We plan to hold on to this news until just before the conventions, then we’ll drop it on the public like the Enola Gay dropped an atomic bomb on the Japs in World War II.

Boom. Just like that, it’s over.

It’s a little known secret but what most citizens don’t understand is that the U.S. Constitution specifically requires the President to be born in the United States of America. Article II of the constitution says that the qualifications of the President and Vice-President include that they be a natural born citizen.

McCain was naturally born in the Panama Canal Zone, and Obama was naturally born in Hawaii, which wasn’t a state at the time. Both are American citizens, yes, but neither one was naturally born in the U.S. so both will be disqualified when we break the news right before the conventions.

Except for the early Presidents, there have only been four men to run for President who were not born in the U.S. Barry Goldwater ran in 1964. He was born in Arizona which was not a state at the time. George Romney ran for President in 1968 even though he was born in Mexico. John McCain ran against Bush in 2000, and soon the world will find out that McCain and Obama were not even born in the U.S.

Is that an ace in the hole or what?

I’m up early this morning. Something has been gnawing at me for hours. There’s no doubt about it. I need some fire in my speeches. It needs to be something like what Barack uses after he wins a couple of states, but less like a Baptist preacher. It doesn’t look good coming from a middle-aged white woman.

Last night I watched two campaign victory speeches; the first by Barack and the second by John McCain. I swear, it looked just like a video of a preacher and an undertaker. Barack is totally full of himself in that self-absorbed Baptist preacher, holier-than-thou, salvation-is-yours-if-you-just-trust-me sorta way.

Lots of pretty talk, soaring words, but not a shred of plan or details or how-to anywhere. I can’t believe people are buying that. If he’s the candidate of ‘hope‘ then what does that make John McCain? The ‘anti-hope‘ candidate?

McCain gave the same presentation you’d expect from an undertaker who should have retired years ago but gives the same talk over and over to the bereaved family. Worse than that was the company of corpses he keeps. John Warner stood behind McCain just like a body that had been propped and ready for a vertical burial. It was sad. I really thought Warner died last year. I’m sure I went to his funeral.

Unless I can find a rabbit somewhere near the bottom of my barrel, the November elections will be about a preacher and an undertaker. Maybe that’s why Mike Huckabee stays in the race. He probably figures that John McCain just might need an undertaker and a eulogy between now and his coronation.

Patti decided to step down right before I fired her. I think she was tipped off by Donald Trump. His advice was so right on target. Maggie Williams complexion is much better. Like a warm mocha latte.

Even better is that Maggie knows how to make me laugh, especially when things don’t look so good. Right after Patti cleaned out her desk, and extended her knowledge of American sign language with a single finger, Maggie walked in with a DVD full of John McCain television commercials, news clips, and videos.

At first, I thought it was some kind of a video bit from A Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Each commercial and clip had John McCain talking about being a foot soldier in Ronald Reagan’s Army, how he’s been a devout conservative all his life, and how his voting record is one of the best in the Senate.

Sure it is. For a closet Democrat. The irony is not lost on me. The Republican Party’s de facto nominee won the job, pretty much has been awarded the job, crowned by the media, but now he goes in on bended knee to the conservative base. It’s like having an interview after you get the job.

If the right wingers don’t bless him, McCain loses big in November. If they do, he’ll still lose, but he’ll just spend more money doing it, and just have someone else to blame.

So a bunch of us from Yale were sitting around a table in New Haven today, when my old friend Penn said, “Welcome home, dear friend. We are so proud of you.” And those damn tears showed up again. There must be a primary election tomorrow.

Penn Rhodeen was here with me in the beginning as my boss, and he’s still here, a few pounds heavier, with more gray hair, still fighting the fine fight. We met when I came to Connecticut in 1972 as a law student at Yale. So he goes and tells everyone in the room today that I showed up on his doorstep in a pair of purple bell bottoms, preaching child advocacy, and women’s rights. It’s over 35 years later and I’m still preaching.

We both worked here at the Yale Child Study Center back in the day. Negro or white, rich or poor, we fought for women’s rights, for children, for the future of a country bogged down in an unpopular war run by a president we all hated.

The moment in New Haven today was not lost on me. I started law school here. I met Bill here. I shed a few tears then, too. What’s a tear or two between friends?

Newspaper editors love digging up dirt from the past. Even the New York Times plays both sides of the street. They endorse me one day, dig up a little dirt the next day.

Yesterday’s brouhaha was a photo the Times dug up from 1960-something or other, and an article where I was quoted using the N-word. Negro. Not nigger. I would never use that. Well, not since I used it on Bill when he told me about Monica Lewinsky.

The problem here is a generational thing. Back in the 60s it was still appropriate to use ‘coloreds‘ when talking about African-Americans. In mixed company we used ‘Negro.’ Frankly, we should have stopped at Negro because it fits better.

After all, colored doesn’t really work because regardless of our color we’re all colored one way or another. It’s as if the whites of a few hundred years thought they were absent any color. I wonder what they thought of sun tans.

Anyway, colored didn’t work for me back in high school and college, and doesn’t work today, of course. I prefer Negro. Black is just as wrong as white and colored.

African-American? Puhleeeze. Gimme a break, people. Cut your ties with the prehistoric past and move on. It’s the 21st century already. Like it or not, if you live here you’re a plain old American, just like me. Deal with it.

Ted Kennedy loves Barack Obama and not me. All I can say is I’m hurt. We tried. Bill talked to Ted on the phone to get him to hold his endorsement until after Super Tuesday’s primaries. In the end, Kennedy was pissed that we didn’t call him sooner.

Either way, it’s difficult to fight the memory of a ghost. It should be obvious to everyone what is really going on with both these Kennedy endorsements.

Psychiatrists would hold a convention just to study the Kennedy family and all their problems. Caroline Kennedy sees her father in Obama, while Ted Kennedy sees his older brother. I just see a crazy woman and a fat alcoholic looking for a final moment in the sun.

What really gets under my pantyhose is this– no one is paying attention to the scorecard in all this. Sure, I didn’t get Ted Kennedy or Caroline Kennedy’s endorsement, not that anyone except the news media really cares, but our Kennedy scorecard looks pretty good.

The Kennedy family still loves us. At least, those that are not paranoid or inebriated. Today I was endorsed by a bunch of Kennedys not living off the past, but looking forward to my future– Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and Kerry Kennedy, whoever he is. That’s three Kennedys for Clinton, and only two for Barack Obama.

Was that score on the nightly news? Nope. Not a word.

How much influence does Ted Kennedy have in the political process these days? I tell everyone to ask Mitt Romney. Despite his sober best, Kennedy couldn’t stop Romney from getting elected as governor of Massachusetts. A Republican governor in the most Democratic of states. How embarrassing.

When Kennedy told Bill he would endorse Obama instead of me, Terry McAuliffe turned to me and said, ‘What impact will this have to our chances on Super Tuesday?’

Bill just grinned and said, ‘We’ll fall off that bridge when we get to it. Just like Ted Kennedy.’