Texts From Hillary

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Someone has been stealing the texts from my phone. They’re all over the internet, starting with the site TextsFromHillaryClinton. Here’s how it works. I get a text and then I respond with my own text. For example, The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart sent me a text asking if I would appear on his show. Too … Read More »

Too Much Hillary For Jews

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Photoshop does wonders for the fashion magazine world. Movie and television models can be Photoshopped to look better than they really look. What about being photoshopped out of a photo? That’s what happened to me and Audrey Tomason in the Hasidic newspaper Di Tzeitung last year. Someone finally showed me the photos. So much for … Read More »

The White Shirt Memo!

White Shirt Memo

Mexico is nice this time of year. That’s why the G20 Group held their Ministers of Foreign Affairs in Los Cabos. The Mexican Mafia were all drunk or hungover and couldn’t make it despite their last minute threats. One of my aids told me they got lost below deck trying to rob a cruise ship. … Read More »

We talk, but not really

Yes, we are in constant communication with Senator Obama’s campaign officials. He knows what I’m doing for him is good politics. I rip into him whenever I get the chance. If he survives my attacks, he deserves the nomination for President. The exercise will make him a better candidate. If he doesn’t survive me, then … Read More »

Sexism or racism?

Everybody is against something. If I don’t win the Democratic presidential nomination, despite carrying all the important states, and biting into Republican strongholds like Kentucky and West Virginia, my supporters will cry foul. Foul? Sure. It’s purely sexism that is keeping me from winning the nomination. It’s a man’s world and the last thing they … Read More »

Hillary in the House

My latest ad campaign is code named ‘HillaryVirus.’ It’s viral marketing. I’m not completely sure what that means but my aides and advisors think it’s cool. When I asked them if a viral marketing campaign would help me defeat Barack Obama they all shrugged, and said, ‘meh.’ I came up with the ‘Hillary in the … Read More »

Where in the world is Barack Obama?

I am concerned for Barack Obama. Ever since I won a decisive primary victory in Indiana, he’s been off the campaign trail, probably licking his wounds and pondering obscurity. I understand Obama’s appeal. He’s an attractive black man, a mixture of cultures, an enticing and engaging, some say exotic, man of learning and discipline. That’s … Read More »

The gas tax gimmick explained

In the face of rising fuel costs, I proposed a federal Gas Tax Holiday and somehow people didn’t buy it. What’s not to like? The proposal was simple. We have record high gasoline prices, partly because the government collects taxes on each gallon pumped. I propose that from Memorial Day through Labor Day, that we, … Read More »