Hillaryzilla

I admit it. I’m depressed. It’s been that way since the last glimmer of hope faded during the primary elections. Maybe it started with Iowa. Whatever. It’s here now and it’s real.

There’s no doubt that I have much to be thankful for these days. I have a steady job. Money in the bank. A loving daughter. As many friends as money and power can buy.

Oh, there’s that $20-million campaign debt.

That would depress anyone. Bill says he’ll just hit the speakers trail for a year and it’ll be whittled down to lunch money in no time.

Things were so bad that I called Deepak Chopra for advice. When I told him who was calling, he laughed. Apparently plenty of women call him for advice, claiming to be this or that celebrity.

Finally, he settled down and seemed to understand who he was talking to, but, seriously, I couldn’t understand a thing he was saying. About all I got out of the conversation was some heavily accented blathering about yoga, self discovery, emotional healing, mind body medicine, and something else about a Renewal Weekend in Chicago in August. 

To get his world class personal advice all I had to do was give up a credit card number.

I don’t tell this to many people, but I hate serving in the Senate. Worse, I hate serving New Yorkers. What a bunch of whiny, moan happy, self serving complainers.

The Senate is worse. It’s the worst job I ever had, including those where I didn’t get paid. The Senate is full of rich old white men, for the most part, and they all seem to think they can command respect by acting like British lords in Bombay, circa 1935.

We had a Senate armed services committee meeting last week and I had to fly in from my campaign to attend. Senator Byrd asked me to get him some coffee. If he wasn’t so old I would have crushed his withered old hand with my purse.

The problem with that committee isn’t that we don’t have many women. We do. There’s Claire McCaskill of Missouri, Susan Collins of Maine, and Elizabeth Dole of North Carolina. The problem is Libby Dole. She’s always baking cookies or brownies or serving tea for the male members and talking like she’s some kind of southern belle princess, touching their hands, rubbing against them, and wearing skirts that are just a little too short for someone her age. She doesn’t know a pant suit from a panting Senator.

Truly, the Senate is a man’s club and no place for a lady. Or, me.

Today I found out that Bill has been sneaking around behind my back. No, it wasn’t with some big breasted young campaign intern with tight lips. That I can deal with. For that I have experience.

Bill has been talking to Barack Obama’s top officials about getting a job in his administration.

That man has so much nerve. He plays the race card right in the middle of my campaign, without asking, and behind my back he’s looking for a job with the enemy.

I’m beginning to think that what this campaign needs is a good scorched earth policy.

What could Bill do for an Obama administration that he couldn’t do for another Clinton administration? It can only mean that he’s hedging his bets on the outcome, telling me we can pull it off, gain a narrow victory, but setting himself up for an escape to extend his own legacy.

I had Terry McAuliffe send a note to Barack. It read, ‘Offer Bill a job in your administration– as an intern trainer.

Politics is like war. Politicians engage in a battle with other politicians, hoping the other one will make more mistakes.

Looking back to January, I see five big mistakes. Singly, no one mistake caused me to fall behind Barack Obama in the primary delegate contest. Added together, all five put me in a less than desirable position. It’s like when Bill pins me to the carpet. I can snarl, and snap, and spit, and bite. But I still get pinned.

#1 – I did not understand the mood of the voters. They truly wanted change and I just look like a current politician. I could have said I’m for change, but many would not have believed me anyway.

#2 – It is important to follow rules and I didn’t do that. We had information and video about Barack Obama’s minister even before the Iowa caucuses. The rules of engagement say you do whatever it takes to bring down any opponent. I didn’t do it.

#3 – Who knew the caucus states would be so important this year. An election is an election, right? Wrong. Not if it’s a caucus election which, so far as I can tell, are really grass roots activists, obsessive compulsives who want to control the electoral process. I should have paid attention to what was going on. When I make it to the White House you can be sure the next election will NOT have caucus votes in any state.

#4 – Money. It’s all green to me. So why is their new money and old money, and why didn’t I hear about all the new money a long time ago? Everything we have came from what is called old money; my cherished Rolodex of Hollywood bigwigs. Somehow, in this crazy new economy we live in, there’s a lot more new money than old money. Who knew?

#5 – I knew going in that the election season was going to be long, but I didn’t expect it to last longer than Iowa and New Hampshire. Instead, I kept losing, and that just made the election season longer and longer. Who has the money to finance a long primary campaign? Not even Mitt Romney could afford to go the distance and he’s worth 10 times as much as Bill and me.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. I should write a book.

My aides are working out a deal with Barack Obama to put me on the ticket as Vice-President. It’s a last ditch scenario in the unlikely event that I am not nominated as the Democratic candidate for President. It’s a long shot, but being Vice President and winning is better than being a presidential candidate who loses in the primaries.

We’re also in contact with David Paterson, New York’s Governor. Barack says that if I’m on the ticket with him then we have to find something for Bill to do. He won’t be allowed back in the White House, and he won’t get the Ambassador to the United Nations job I had reserved for him.

The next best thing would be for Paterson to appoint Bill to my old senate seat. That keeps the seat under Democratic control, Bill would easily win the special election in 2010, and I would keep him off my back and out of Barack’s way.

Perfect.

Bill, the Senator.

The very thought of it makes me laugh. At least I can act like a stone cold, abrasive New Yorker. Bill still sounds like he’s from Arkansas, certainly not like anyone from Queens, the Bronx, or Brooklyn. How he gets people to love him in Harlem is beyond me.

One of my favorite television shows from decades past was Archie Bunker’s ‘All in the Family.’ It was about a lovable, irascible, prejudiced, white bigot in New York. The show was a classic.

I was in Kentucky this week and mentioned to some of my supporters in a rally how politics has changed since the Archie Bunker era. Well, it turns out that people in Kentucky and West Virginia hate New Yorkers, but love Archie Bunker. They didn’t know it was a situation comedy, and could not understand when the black next door neighbor got his own television show. That would be The Jefferson’s.

I tried explaining to my supporters that the rest of the U.S. has embraced civil rights, women today have jobs, and don’t spend all their time being barefoot, pregnant, and wondering what all the fuss over dental floss means. It was to no avail. Those people are set in their ways. 

Then I found out that the only reason people in Kentucky and West Virginia plan to vote for me is because Barack Obama is half negro. Voters seem to think that if I’m elected that means that Bill goes back to the White House.

This was a strange rally. All these Hillary supporters were prancing and dancing, waving campaign signs, and yelling, ‘Put the whites back in the White House‘ over and over. 

I’m not dead. My campaign for President is not dead. Published reports are indicating the contrary and I’m doing everything I can to show my many fans supporters that I’m alive and well.

George McGovern is a no-good, communist pinkie supporter and doesn’t deserve to have SuperDelegate status in the Democratic party. He’s from South Dakota, for crying out loud. How does that make him qualified to tell voters what to do?

I’m in this race to win. Barack Obama doesn’t have it sewn up yet. We still split Indiana and North Carolina. We each got a win. How does that make him the winner and me the loser?

Talk about a double standard.

More than anything else I’m worried about money. When the press starts calling me a loser, then campaign supporters stop supporting me with the contributions. I have to pay for this campaign myself.

I have a call into Mitt Romney to see if he’d like to be Vice President.

Joe Andrew is a traitor. How dare he defect to the Obama campaign after all I’ve done for him. Who does he think he is? He’s finished in this business once I’m in the White House.

What is the world coming to when you can’t trust political appointees to do what you tell them to do.

Bill appointed Joe as head of the Democratic National Convention back in the day. We treated him like family. He even tried to hit on me once. I think. I’d had a bit too much to drink at dinner that night. Maybe it was just another Joe.

Today Joe Andrew is just another Joe Priest, a Judas without conscience. Everyone knows what happened to Judas.

What bothers me most is that Joe switched allegiances. He was a committed and announced SuperDelegate for me and he turned traitor. What did Obama give him? What was he promised?

It doesn’t matter. He’ll never work in Washington again.

Look at all the fiery coals Barack Obama has heaped upon his own head recently. His former pastor gets headlines as a racist and voters don’t understand why Obama didn’t dump the man years ago.

The real problem here isn’t the so-called Pastor Wright or religion or even race. The real problem is that Obama doesn’t know how to avoid problems. He went to church regularly. Sooner or later that will come back to bite a politician. Why Obama didn’t do what I do I don’t know.

I never go to church except to visit. That way I look religious but don’t have to worry about commitment or all the entanglements that religion brings.

For example, ‘Do not commit adultery?’ Right. Like people pay attention to those commandments. Church is a big show, but doesn’t mean much to most Americans these days.

Pennsylvania was about jobs. Indiana is about jobs. As the country sinks deeper into a Bush-instigated depression, the old mantra comes back in view– it’s the economy, stupid.

American’s should rejoice that there is no longer a Bush running for President.

All those states which have poor economic prospects are states that will vote for me because they believe that I am best qualified to bring jobs back. California, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania. When the economy goes south, those states hurt.

I feel their pain.

I feel their pain because I honestly don’t have a clue what I should do about the economy once I take office. Sure, I can handle Iraq and Afghanistan. Sure, I can mend fences with our European friends, our South American neighbors, and our Asian financiers.

But the economy? Who knows how this stuff works? Any technique that will create more jobs is fine with me. I’m afraid some of those people won’t like the jobs they will get.