I found out that my staff wants to ban the scrunchie. Shades of Daniel and his king, Darius the Mede. There’s even a poll on Huffington Post about whether I should keep the scrunchie or change my hairstyle entirely.
I’m winning, by the way.
What my staff doesn’t know and won’t find out is the scrunchie is key to my political power. Sure, I’ll drop my locks from time to time. If you look closely at my face when my hair is long you’ll see why I prefer the scrunchie.
My face is sagging. The scrunchie acts like a portable face lift. Twist it into a knot and it pulls back my smile– and the wrinkles. I look young again.
I got the idea from Jorge Sampaio, former president of Portugal, who tried to hit on me at a U.N. conference. He doesn’t have enough hair for a scrunchie, but the hair is pulled back so tight his eyes look closed. He gave the secret to Joe Biden, too, but it pulled on his face so tight he can’t stop smiling.