Hillaryzilla

The SuperDelegates are beginning to piss me off. All this switching sides. It’s un-American. It’s disloyal. Am I the only person who pays attention to the trends in the primaries?

I prepared a little flyer for the SuperDelegates showing them what has happened in the Democratic primary elections. It’s been two seasons. Barack won the first season, because the rules were stacked in his favor. Even when I won a state in the election, I got fewer delegates than Barack.

The second season is all Hillary. I’ve won more states. I’ve won more delegates. I’ve won more of the popular vote. I did all that after all the media pundits wrote me off. I did all that while Barack Obama outspent me 3 to 1.

Barack is coasting while I’m picking up a head of steam.

Doesn’t that deserve the respect of the remaining uncommitted SuperDelegates? I think so. But, noooooo, they’re climbing on a bandwagon that’s lost momentum and can’t beat John McCain in the November election. 

They’ll be sorry they didn’t respect me.

My aides are working out a deal with Barack Obama to put me on the ticket as Vice-President. It’s a last ditch scenario in the unlikely event that I am not nominated as the Democratic candidate for President. It’s a long shot, but being Vice President and winning is better than being a presidential candidate who loses in the primaries.

We’re also in contact with David Paterson, New York’s Governor. Barack says that if I’m on the ticket with him then we have to find something for Bill to do. He won’t be allowed back in the White House, and he won’t get the Ambassador to the United Nations job I had reserved for him.

The next best thing would be for Paterson to appoint Bill to my old senate seat. That keeps the seat under Democratic control, Bill would easily win the special election in 2010, and I would keep him off my back and out of Barack’s way.

Perfect.

Bill, the Senator.

The very thought of it makes me laugh. At least I can act like a stone cold, abrasive New Yorker. Bill still sounds like he’s from Arkansas, certainly not like anyone from Queens, the Bronx, or Brooklyn. How he gets people to love him in Harlem is beyond me.

What is it with news people and political pundits? I win a primary by overwhelming numbers and all anyone talks about is when I plan to drop out of the race.

Hello? NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC! Haven’t you heard of ‘comebacks?’

Sure, things are not looking up right now. West Virginia voters are mostly white, disadvantaged, poorly educated, and, frankly, lacking in dental hygiene, but they’re my kind of people. They vote how I would vote if I were like them, and I thank the gods every night that I’m not.

I can’t even get Barack Obama’s attention anymore. All he talks about is John McCain and George W. Bush. Hello! Barack! I’m over here. I’m the Comeback Kid who’s married to the Comeback Kid. Remember us?

The Kennedy’s had Camelot. Nixon had Watergate. We had Monicagate. I wonder if people grow tired of all the baggage that politicians bring to the electoral process?

Alright. One more comeback. It starts now. Today. I’m coming back. Stronger than ever. What doesn’t kill me makes me a better President.

I’m coming back. I really am. I think I can… I think I can… I think I can.

My new campaign slogan, ‘Hillary in the House‘ is taking off big time. It’s all over the internet.

One of my supporters in West Virginia said she saw it on television and thought it was great. First class lip syncing, she said. Then she asked if it was OK for me to run for President and the House at the same time that I’m a Senator, and what would happen if I won both?

West Virginia really needs more civics classes.

One of my favorite television shows from decades past was Archie Bunker’s ‘All in the Family.’ It was about a lovable, irascible, prejudiced, white bigot in New York. The show was a classic.

I was in Kentucky this week and mentioned to some of my supporters in a rally how politics has changed since the Archie Bunker era. Well, it turns out that people in Kentucky and West Virginia hate New Yorkers, but love Archie Bunker. They didn’t know it was a situation comedy, and could not understand when the black next door neighbor got his own television show. That would be The Jefferson’s.

I tried explaining to my supporters that the rest of the U.S. has embraced civil rights, women today have jobs, and don’t spend all their time being barefoot, pregnant, and wondering what all the fuss over dental floss means. It was to no avail. Those people are set in their ways. 

Then I found out that the only reason people in Kentucky and West Virginia plan to vote for me is because Barack Obama is half negro. Voters seem to think that if I’m elected that means that Bill goes back to the White House.

This was a strange rally. All these Hillary supporters were prancing and dancing, waving campaign signs, and yelling, ‘Put the whites back in the White House‘ over and over. 

My latest ad campaign is code named ‘HillaryVirus.’ It’s viral marketing. I’m not completely sure what that means but my aides and advisors think it’s cool. When I asked them if a viral marketing campaign would help me defeat Barack Obama they all shrugged, and said, ‘meh.’

I came up with the ‘Hillary in the House’ slogan. At first, it was ‘Put a White Woman in the White House.’ I figured that would help with the voting in Kentucky and West Virginia. Voters there identify with me. White women there have cheating husbands, too.

Maggie thought we might have a problem with the media over ‘Put a White Woman in the White House’ what with me being so white and my opponent only being half white.

So, we changed the new campaign slogan to ‘Hillary in the House,’ added some hip hop jive talk to it, and started to spread it on YouTube and other places. It worked. Everyone loves it. I will win Kentucky and West Virginia and prove to the SuperDelegates that I can win the important states and Barack Obama cannot.

I am concerned for Barack Obama. Ever since I won a decisive primary victory in Indiana, he’s been off the campaign trail, probably licking his wounds and pondering obscurity.

I understand Obama’s appeal. He’s an attractive black man, a mixture of cultures, an enticing and engaging, some say exotic, man of learning and discipline. That’s all well and good, but America’s need to know more about this man.

He’s not a closer. Obama can’t close the deal. He can’t wrap up a campaign in which he’s led from the very beginning. What does that say about the man when it comes to heat in the kitchen?

If Obama can’t beat a woman in important primary election states like California, New York, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Florida, Michigan, how will he fare against a tough Republican candidate who is afraid of me?

I have this vision of poor Barack, sitting alone in grungy hotel room in Kentucky or West Virginia, states who is likely to lose because people there don’t like his kind, and will show their displeasure by voting for me.

He must be a sad and lonely man.

Voters come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Kentucky and West Virgina are home to my kind of people.

 These are the people who need me the most, who respect my ideals of purity in government, and who can be called upon to serve.

You don’t find such loyal voters these days. I’m the only candidate reaching out and embracing such young voters. These are hard-working, disadvantaged Americans who need a strong leader.

Barack Obama claims he’s the agent for change, but how does he plan to help the disadvantaged young white males in Kentucky and West Virginia?

All we get is a ‘no comment.’

Sure, he has the American elite, the professionals, those with money, but what of the American youth who have no leader, no future, no assets, no style or sense of fashion, no understanding of history?

What of the disenfranchised who roam the hill country of Kentucky and West Virginia in search of livlihood? These are the ordinary Americans who are drawn to my campaign, who want to see American stand tall in the world again, who want to representthe future change to a pure form of politics without dissent, without harsh criticism, without feel-good politics with no substance.

Wherever I go I see these Americans who have no hope, no voice and who long for the good old days of supremacy. I am here, America. Take me. I will be your new leader.

In the face of rising fuel costs, I proposed a federal Gas Tax Holiday and somehow people didn’t buy it. What’s not to like?

The proposal was simple. We have record high gasoline prices, partly because the government collects taxes on each gallon pumped.

I propose that from Memorial Day through Labor Day, that we, the federal government, do not collect the gasoline taxes, thereby saving drivers untold dozens of dollars through the peak travel months this summer.

I repeat: What is not to like?

Barack Obama, my opponent, who doesn’t even drive his own car, and who does not have a gas tax holiday plan of his own, steps up and says my plan is a gimmick, it’s pandering for votes, and lo and behold, the voters in North Carolina agreed with him. He almost convinced the voters in Indiana, too. His appeal to uneducated voters is better than I expected.

I know my new campaign slogan says Forget the Math, but we live in dire economic times. The math is easy. The average driver fills up their gasoline tank twice a month. That’s about 40 gallons. The federal tax is 18-cents on each gallon, which would be repealed during June, July and August, saving drivers over $7.00 a month. Maybe more.

Dozens of dollars would be saved before Labor Day and somehow my plan is considered a gimmick.

People will believe anything.

Well, another primary election, another win, another lose, and another new campaign strategy. If I got delegate votes for launching campaign strategies I would have the nomination sewn up by now.

For now, my new campaign slogan is, “Forget The Math.” It’s like Remember the Alamo, but in reverse.

Delegates don’t count. SuperDelegates don’t count. What really counts is a new strategy, and today’s strategy is all about electoral votes. I need 270 electoral votes to win the White House from John McCain.

Yes, that’s still math, and I want everyone to Forget The Math. That’s my slogan. Underneath that slogan is a sub slogan, “Remember the swing states!” Those are the big states that I won and Senator Obama lost. California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Florida, Michigan.

Without those states John McCain cannot be President. I’ve already won those states, so I make the best hope for the Democrats to take back the White House.

But it’s not math.