Hillaryzilla

The vote in Pennsylvania is drawing near. I’m relieved. I know I will win the primary, which means another big state loss for Barack Obama. It will be close, but if I win by only a single vote, then I still win. That’s what counts.

I’m being outspent by Obama’s full treasure chest of campaign money, two or three to one. I didn’t know black people had that much disposable income available after seven years of George W. Bush tyranny. Still, I manage to find a way to win.

But what if I lose in Pennsylvania? Mark Penn asked me that question last week and I fired his ass.

I don’t like negative people.

I like a glass of sweet wine at dinner, so I was totally aghast at how the campaign went last week in Pennsylvania. It was one thing to drop into a bar with a bunch of sweaty men in plaid shirts, and something else to chug down a glass of warm beer.

It was warm beer. I don’t like beer when it’s cold. How the Brits and Aussies manage to drink warm beer is one of the mysteries of the universe. What could be worse?

Well, it got worse. No sooner had I chugged down a glass of beer in that Pennyslvania bar and the bartender offered me a shot of whiskey. I like whiskey as much as I like kissing a sweaty armpit but there I was, just one of the guys, video cameras on, men cheering, what else could I do?

The bartender handed me a shot of whiskey and I chugged again. My God, how do men tolerate that taste; or lack of taste? It burned all the way down, so far down that the polish on my toenails curled.

I’ll be glad when I don’t have to do this again. Pennsylvania, I need your votes, but this is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Now that everyone knows Catholics will vote for me and not for Barack Obama, I’m ready to cash in a political chip or two.

Pope Benedict XVI is visiting the U.S. and I want a ride in his Popemobile. In fact, I plan to change the presidential limo into a Hillarymobile once I’m elected President. I’ll use a Cadillac instead of a Mercedes, though.

The Pope is German so he can get away with driving a customized German car. I don’t have that luxury thanks to NAFTA and the U.S. automobile industry in a shambles. Except for Honda, Toyota, and Nissan.

My Hillarymobile will have the same tall glass surrounding the presidential throne. I’ll get Bill to drive. Talk about making a statement on Day One.

Some members of the press have suggested that my most recent debate with Barack Obama will be my last. I laugh at that suggestion.

What about John McCain?

Do people not expect the Republican nominee for President to debate the Democratic nominee for President? That would be me, of course.

Barack Obama doesn’t want to debate me anymore. He would rather work on his bowling, which is in dire need of a coach, or something. Besides, he’s left handed. Lefty’s can’t bowl. Everyone knows it.

I’m on record as favoring a shorter political campaign season. When a presidential campaign drags on for a year or two, well it’s just too long. There are too many opportunities to say something out of context, to stumble and trip over some mistake.

Politicians pay a high price these days for making mistakes. What with the internet and YouTube, is it any wonder that people put no trust in their elected leaders? They need to share some responsibility for what we do. They elected us.

As soon as Barack Obama trips up I’m ready with criticism. Then I trip up. It never ends. We both pay a political price for such mistakes. He called white folks bitter. I said something about sniper fire.

We pay the gaffe tax for such blunders which mean so little to voters who also have a brain. It’s the rest of them that help get us elected.

John McCain isn’t too bad for an old man. His latest proposal is for a ‘Gas Tax’ Holiday. Democrats would call it a moratorium on federal gasoline taxes, but McCain uses the word ‘holiday.’ I love it.

Now, if John could just figure out a way to pay for the holiday he proposes. If I’m not mistaken, Americans have the lowest gasoline price, by far, of any industrial or civilized nation.

Why?

Because our gasoline taxes are so low. So what does the fiscally conservative candidate for President want to do? Cut taxes.

Then McCain goes and blasts away at Barack Obama with a great line, ‘All these tax increases are the fine print under the slogan of hope.’ What a great line. How does McCain figure the government will pay its bills with a popular gasoline tax cut that further reduces government revenue.

Sure, the country will be fine with Mr. Magoo as President.

The primary election in Pennyslvania is a week away. I plan to win. We’re dumping lots of money into television commercials which attack Barack Obama. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but I think we’re entering ‘Hail Mary’ season in the campaign.

Tommy Vietor from Obama’s campaign said, ‘she’ll do anything to get elected.’ So? What’s your point, Tommy?

Obama says white Americans are bitter about job losses and cling to guns and religion. Those are fightin’ words, buster. If you want a fight, then a fight is what you will get.

‘Hail Mary!’

I’m sitting at a hotel in Philadelphia after dinner and I flip on the television to catch Saturday Night Live. I’m hoping they’ll do another skit lampooning Barack Obama.

Instead, I watch about 10 Obama commercials, and not one Hillary commercial. Not one. Are commercials free on cable TV?

I called Maggie on the phone and asked her to track down rates for cable TV commercials. She said we don’t have a budget for cable TV. So, I tell her that’s silly because 70-percent of everyone who votes also watches cable TV. It’s their crutch to get through their miserable existences.

Maggie was adamant. We just don’t have the money to spend on cable TV commercials.

Almost nobody has noticed but Bill Clinton is working very hard these days. And he’s not getting paid for it. At least, I’m not going to pay him.

Primary elections in three big states are coming soon and Bill can do three rallies in each state, each day. First, Indiana, then North Carolina, and back to Pennsylvania before the evening news. He does this non-stop, everyday.

Why does Bill work so hard for my campaign this year, harder than he worked for his own re-election in 1996? 

He owes me. He owes me big time, and he knows it. He also knows I will make a better President, and that’s saying something. Bill was pretty good. He also knows that the country is headed for disaster if John McCain is elected.

Finally, Bill knows that if Barack Obama becomes President then the country will forget the Clintons, and we can’t let that happen. Bill has a view of the world that’s much more pragmatic than political pundits suspect.

For example, we had to play defense for much of Bill’s presidency because Republicans owned the legislative branch. It’s a miracle that we accomplished anything at all, especially a balanced budget. If Barack Obama wins the White House he is likely to have a majority in congress, both houses. That’s a mandate to sweeping reform and we know Obama can do it and probably will have the political muscle to do it.

Bill and I are working so hard so that we can write the future, not Obama or McCain.

Cash up front. That’s what it’s come down to. So I missed a few payments, and have a shoebox full of unpaid bills. Big whoop, right? 

Some services vendors in Ohio and Texas are complaining that I haven’t paid them for services rendered. We normally don’t pay anything for 60 days, so why complain now? It’s been my standard practice. From where I sit, I think some of these service vendors should be paying me just for the rights to help my campaign.

We’re talking about changing America for the better and some selfish vendors just want their money.

It’s become a worse situation now that people know Bill and I made $100-million since leaving the White House in 2000. It’s as if people expect me to pay for my own campaign for President. Who do they think I am, Mitt Romney?

This cash up front thing absolutely has to end. Now.

Could it be worse? Yes. Maggie came in the office this morning and told me that we can only spend $11-million of the $33-million we have in the bank. Apparently there’s some issue with the Federal Election Commission. The rest of the money must be saved for the general election, or returned if I don’t win the nomination.

Returned? Like that’ll happen.