Hillaryzilla

Joe Andrew is a traitor. How dare he defect to the Obama campaign after all I’ve done for him. Who does he think he is? He’s finished in this business once I’m in the White House.

What is the world coming to when you can’t trust political appointees to do what you tell them to do.

Bill appointed Joe as head of the Democratic National Convention back in the day. We treated him like family. He even tried to hit on me once. I think. I’d had a bit too much to drink at dinner that night. Maybe it was just another Joe.

Today Joe Andrew is just another Joe Priest, a Judas without conscience. Everyone knows what happened to Judas.

What bothers me most is that Joe switched allegiances. He was a committed and announced SuperDelegate for me and he turned traitor. What did Obama give him? What was he promised?

It doesn’t matter. He’ll never work in Washington again.

Bill called me on the cell phone last night and said that North Carolina Governor Mike Easley would endorse me instead of Barack Obama. Praise be to the Lord! The man should get a cabinet post if I win North Carolina’s primary. We could always use another person of color in the New Clinton White House.

Imagine my surprise when I went to North Carolina for a rally and Governor Easley came on stage. The man is white. He’s whiter than me. I was expecting a black man. What good is the endorsement of a white governor in a black state?

I really thought Governor Easley was black. I’m just glad nobody got a photo of my face, total surprise, when he walked on stage.

The man has good political math skills, which I appreciate. Easley says if I lose North Carolina by less than 15 points, then he’d consider that a victory.

One thing I love to do to people in the media is play chameleon and constantly re-invent myself. They eat it up, thinking all the while that I’m connecting with people, showing the real me. If anyone is doing a count I’m up to the seventh ‘real me’ since the Iowa caucuses. 

The latest series of television ads, the greatest political reinvention tool ever created, shows me as ‘working class‘. When I told Bill I was running a bunch of television ads which depict me as working class he spit up his drink laughing so hard.

I grew up in Chicago. My parents were wealthy. I went to a rich white girls school. What do I know about working class anything? But a picture is worth a thousand words, and a video of me highlighting my Midwestern working class roots, born of blue collar, working hard for the money is just priceless.

This week I’m on television telling all the voters in Indiana that I’m just a neighborhood home town girl from Chicago, right next door to them, a working girl who embraces hard work and opportunity.

They eat this stuff up.

Look at all the fiery coals Barack Obama has heaped upon his own head recently. His former pastor gets headlines as a racist and voters don’t understand why Obama didn’t dump the man years ago.

The real problem here isn’t the so-called Pastor Wright or religion or even race. The real problem is that Obama doesn’t know how to avoid problems. He went to church regularly. Sooner or later that will come back to bite a politician. Why Obama didn’t do what I do I don’t know.

I never go to church except to visit. That way I look religious but don’t have to worry about commitment or all the entanglements that religion brings.

For example, ‘Do not commit adultery?’ Right. Like people pay attention to those commandments. Church is a big show, but doesn’t mean much to most Americans these days.

It dawned on me that I’m suddenly getting political support from the strangest places. It isn’t money, it’s kudos from the unlikeliest sources.

Who supports Hillary Clinton these days?

Rush Limbaugh, that’s who. Rush and Pat Buchanan. Limbaugh started to encourage people to vote for me back in the Texas and Ohio primaries. Maybe that’s why I won. Pat Buchanan, who thinks John McCain is a closet liberal, lobs grenades at Barack Obama every night on television. That means he supports me, right? What else could it mean?

Then there’s Karl Rove, kingpin of the Bush legacy and all that is wrong with America these days. He says that Democrats should count both the Michigan and Florida primary results based on the voter tally. I won Florida and those votes would help me win the nomination.

Why have all these died-in-the-wool anti-Clintonites suddenly come out in favor of me?

If Barack Obama and his supporters can play the African-American race card, then I can play the gender card. If Barack Obama can speak about race in American, then I can play the gender card and give a major speech about gender inequality.

Except for one thing. I don’t know what to say. 

Those pant suits should tell people something. Bill’s excursions into the arms of other women should tell people something. Unfortunately, the voters are not good at catching on to the obvious. 

In the Clinton family, I wear the pants. I act like a man. I think like a Man. I’m tough like a man. Playing the so-called gender card is not an easy task for me.

The recent election in Pennsylvania should tell another story. 60-percent of the voters were women, and I won that vote over Barack Obama, 56-percent to 44-percent.

Women voters want a strong, man-like leader in the White House. That’s why they’re voting for me. So, how can I play the gender card?

Pennsylvania was about jobs. Indiana is about jobs. As the country sinks deeper into a Bush-instigated depression, the old mantra comes back in view– it’s the economy, stupid.

American’s should rejoice that there is no longer a Bush running for President.

All those states which have poor economic prospects are states that will vote for me because they believe that I am best qualified to bring jobs back. California, Texas, Ohio, Pennsylvania. When the economy goes south, those states hurt.

I feel their pain.

I feel their pain because I honestly don’t have a clue what I should do about the economy once I take office. Sure, I can handle Iraq and Afghanistan. Sure, I can mend fences with our European friends, our South American neighbors, and our Asian financiers.

But the economy? Who knows how this stuff works? Any technique that will create more jobs is fine with me. I’m afraid some of those people won’t like the jobs they will get.

As much as Bill’s heart is in the right place, I’ve come to the conclusion that he just can’t shut up. He doesn’t know when to stop talking.

Power does that to a person. Besides that, he can’t remember one day to the next what he said the day before. Most politicians have that problem.

Now I have the whole African-American community pissed at me because of what Bill said about Barack Obama. Never mind that it was all true.

First black President, my eye. Bill is a politician. They will say anything to get elected.

I should know.

Honestly, I thought Larry King died sometime last year. Someone died. I know because I went to the funeral. I thought it was Larry King.

Anyway, Maggie set me up for an interview on Larry King Live. I figured there would be a guest host handling the interview, just so CNN could play re-runs of Larry’s old interviews. Nope, it was Larry himself.

Somewhere in Las Vegas is a wax museum with Larry King and other celebrities. The real Larry King doesn’t look as good as the waxed Larry King.

The interview was a good chance for me to explain my policies and compare and contrast my candidacy for President with Barack Obama. 

Larry King just sat there and asked questions. He doesn’t make up the questions. His staff kept sliding a sheet of questions in front of him during each commercial break. Then he would sit there asking the questions like he was thinking. It was like answering questions from a wax man.

Larry King is alive, but not by much.

People need to ask Barack Obama this question: ‘Why can’t you close the deal?’

After all, Obama leads in the popular vote, he leads in the number of delegates, he’s got five times as much money as me, and he’s spending it like a drunken sailor on shore leave, but I’m going to win Pennsylvania by double digits.

Obama can’t win the big ones.

When people run down that list of states Obama has NOT won they’ll be surprised. California, New York, Texas, Ohio, Florida, Michigan, and tomorrow, Pennsylvania. In all the big states the winner is me, the loser is Barack Obama.

Obama can’t win the big ones.

If he can’t close the deal against me with seven times as much money in his war chest, how does anyone expect Obama to beat John McCain in November?