Hillaryzilla

It’s been along and grueling campaign for President, with many twists and turns, ups and downs. Only now are people, the voters, beginning to realize something about me that the media and political pundits just haven’t figured out.

I never quit. Never.

A course may change, a challenge vanquished, but I never quit no matter how long and hard the struggle. If there’s anything I’ve learned in lifetime of public office, whether in Arkansas, the White House, or in the Senate, you never let ‘em see you sweat, and you never quit.

I may lose, but I never quit.

I know what it’s like to stumble. I know what it means to get knocked down, but I’ve never stayed down. I never will.

Why the Democrats chose August for a political convention is something I will never understand. It’s all Howard Dean’s fault. Once I’m President the first thing I’ll do is to send that noisy little mouse man back to Vermont. He should have stayed a chiropractor and never become involved in politics.

He screwed up the primary elections in Florida and Michigan. He’s responsible for mismanaging the SuperDelegate mess. He’s responsible for all those states that had caucus primaries instead of real voting primaries as God intended.

The last Democratic primary is June 3rd, which means we’ll have almost three long, hot summer months of discontent before the convention decides the party’s nominee. It’s clear now that neither Barack or me will have sufficient delegates at the end of the primary voting to claim victory.

I don’t like to wait.

I just finished watching Saturday Night Live. Again. It was a repeat of a few weeks ago when I was host. Well, not really host host, but I was the star attraction, along with that cute little girl from the movie Juno.

SNL really came through for me this year. Win or lose, I want to host the show some day. Maggie put the word out to Lorne Michaels to schedule me for a show right before the election. Bill did his little Blues Brothers saxophone routine back in 1992 and America loved him for it.

There’s something about a man in black blowing his horn. Other than a little piano, I never learned to play a musical instrument.

There’s danger when a politician performs in public for the public, especially a live show, but it’s something we deal with regularly. The country loves to put politicians on a pedestal and wait for us to fall off. Saturday Night Live is not Meet The Press. I can say things on SNL that would get me in trouble if I said them to Tim Russert.

When I host the show again I want to do a skit where I skewer Russert with a hundred little fondue forks.

It’s the fourth quarter. It’s a close game. Anything can happen. Why should I drop out now? That’s what I told supporters in Indiana. Bill went to Pennyslvania and said basically the same thing.

The game is not over.

Granted, it’s a long shot, but strange things happen in politics. Look at former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. One moment the man is riding high and mighty by bringing down the high and might, and the next moment his wife has him and his belongings on the side walk in front of the Governor’s mansion.

Things happen.

The people of Indiana will believe almost anything and they love come-from-behind stories. Hoosier is just another way to say ‘loser from the Midwest.’ Indiana is something of a little Ohio but without the flare and sophistication. That alone says something about Indiana.

I prefer to campaign in states that have a lot of problems and the people are smart enough to know they have problems but not smart enough to do anything about it.

John Nance Garner once said the Vice President’s job wasn’t worth a warm bucket of spit. I’m not so sure about that.

As Barack Obama inches closer to the Democratic nomination for President, I have to think about the future. A black man, an African-American in the White House may present some unexpected opportunities.

After all, his health care agenda is my health care agenda. Obama is pro labor. I’m pro labor. He wants us out of Iraq. I want us out of Iraq. Besides the prestige, travel benefits, and influence in the Senate, there is much that a woman Vice President can do for the country.

Even better is that whole ‘heartbeat’ thing. Yes, Obama is a young man, but as I understand it, rightwingers are good shots.

I need to remember not to stand too close when he gives a speech.

I’m more than a little worried about the recent poll results. John McCain is surging ahead of me and Barack Obama. How could this happen?

Bill says I peaked too early, probably sometime back in November or December. He says Barack has peaked, too, but McCain has not. Politics is full of ups and downs, changing currents and storm clouds, so the next few months may tell a different story, but for now I’m worried.

The Bush administration may go down in history as the worst ever. There’s a trillion dollar deficit, an unpopular war with rising casualties, scandal after scandal, and an economy entering a recession. That’s a perfect storm for almost any Democrat to roll into the White House with a victory.

Add to that the Republican nominee, a grizzled old white man who carries all the charm of Elmer Fudd, Mister Magoo, and Dwight Eisenhower, and somehow he leads in the national polls.

How could this happen? What did we do wrong?

Al Gore told me he had refused to make a pact with the Devil back in 2000 when he rain against Bush. I thought he was joking. Now it looks as if the Devil made a pact with the Republicans. Everything has gone wrong and they still control the government.

Alright, so I embellished the facts a little. I’m a politician. It’s what we do. The YouTube generation will be the death of politicians as we know them today.

For the past year I’ve been telling people everywhere that helped broker peace in the Balkans, flew into an airfield which was under sniper fire, and had to run from the plane to waiting guards. What a great story. Campaign rallies all over the country listened spellbound to my story of politicking for peace as if it came from a spy novel.

Well, it did. I don’t remember which novel, but that’s not important. What is important is actual YouTube video of me in Bosnia smiling and strolling from the airplane to waiting cars, sans sniper fire, sans any sense of urgency whatsoever.

What can I say?

I’ve always believed that there are times when it is important to embellish on the facts because the resulting story has more import than truth. The opposite is also beneficial to a politician, whereby the facts, whatever they may be, are harmful, so the reverse of embellishment is applied.

People need to ask themselves a question. Do they want a commander-in-chief who bores people to death with the mundane moments of life, or one who can polish up a story and make it presentable for the masses to enjoy and cherish?

Barack Obama and I have raised more campaign money than any presidential candidates in history. Out in Pennsylvania, Obama brought in over $350,000 in February, almost twice what I brought in, which was still far less than Rudy Giuliani brought in, and he’s out of the race entirely.

Mark Penn was posting the numbers on a big white board in our campaign war room, and said, “How does Barack do it?”

I said, “The real question isn’t about Barack Obama, people. He’s a fad. A flash in the pan. People blow their money all the time on dreams. It happens. Get over it.”

“The real question is, ‘What did Rudy do with all his campaign contributions?‘”

Where is 60 Minutes when you really need them? Rudy Giuliani raised tens of millions in campaign contributions for a campaign that nobody ever saw. Did anyone ever see a television commercial? Did he run a newspaper ad? He didn’t really campaign anywhere except Florida and Ron Paul got more votes.

What did Rudy do with all the money?

One of our operatives in the Obama campaign let us know that Barack is taking a few days off this week. The slacker. Tens of thousands of people in Pennsylvania and other states are losing their homes to foreclosures and Obama takes a vacation.

I told Harold Ickes, “Icky, I want a new campaign slogan this week. Make it, ‘Barack Obama: Slacker.” Icky said, “Hillary, that’s about Obama, not you. Most candidates have a slogan about themselves, not their opponents.”

Fair enough, I thought. “OK, how about this one? ‘Hillary Clinton. Not A Slacker Like Barack Obama.’ Better, right?”

“There’ll be questions,” he said. That’s what I want. Questions. People will ask me what I’m talking about and I’ll tell them that I’m on the campaign trail showing people I care. I have a plan to ease the housing crunch. And all Barack Obama can do is lounge around and take time off while people suffer. Voters need to ask themselves, ‘Who do you want running the White House? A bitch who gets things done, or a slow moving black man who slacks off all the time?‘

This slogan will catch on.

Maggie walked in to my office today and told me to shut up. Just like that. No warning. No provocation. Just, “Hillary, shut up.”

I said, “Maggie, did I insult you in some way? If so, I apologize for how you feel. I know that being a black woman, uh, um, an African-American woman of girth, can cause emotional turmoil, but you know I’m here for you.”

Besides Bill, I’m the only one who can suck up to Maggie. Everyone else on the staff just cowers and slinks away when she gives them ‘that look.’

“No, Mrs. Clinton,” Maggie responded, furrowing her eyebrows down as if I’m about to get ‘that look’ but without actually closing her eyes together, “Just plain shut up. Stop ragging on Barack Obama. People don’t like it.”

I knew she had an agenda and I knew I had to listen. “Alright, Maggie. What do you suggest?”

“Bill is right,” she said. “It’s the stupid economy. The last big effort of this campaign needs to focus on the economy, particularly the economy in Pennsylvania. Nothing else. If you win big there and pick up a couple of more states….”

I grinned. We all know that Bill thinks the economy is the top issue for the rest of the year. Everyone already hates the war. They know I hate Barack Obama. What’s left? The economy. Maggie is right. She’s always right.