Hillaryzilla

No one should ever think that Hillary Clinton doesn’t know the truth about John McCain and Barack Obama. The truth is, they’re not Americans.

Since neither McCain or Obama can claim to be a true, naturally born American, they can’t be elected President. It won’t happen. We plan to hold on to this news until just before the conventions, then we’ll drop it on the public like the Enola Gay dropped an atomic bomb on the Japs in World War II.

Boom. Just like that, it’s over.

It’s a little known secret but what most citizens don’t understand is that the U.S. Constitution specifically requires the President to be born in the United States of America. Article II of the constitution says that the qualifications of the President and Vice-President include that they be a natural born citizen.

McCain was naturally born in the Panama Canal Zone, and Obama was naturally born in Hawaii, which wasn’t a state at the time. Both are American citizens, yes, but neither one was naturally born in the U.S. so both will be disqualified when we break the news right before the conventions.

Except for the early Presidents, there have only been four men to run for President who were not born in the U.S. Barry Goldwater ran in 1964. He was born in Arizona which was not a state at the time. George Romney ran for President in 1968 even though he was born in Mexico. John McCain ran against Bush in 2000, and soon the world will find out that McCain and Obama were not even born in the U.S.

Is that an ace in the hole or what?

The Democratic presidential campaign has, as it always does, come down to delegates. Whoever has the most delegates wins, right? Wrong.

The hideous truth about delegates is they can be bought. After all the primary elections, wins and losses, delegates won by a candidate are pledged to a candidate but not bound to that candidate.

In other words, they can switch sides if they want to.

Most people don’t understand the Super Delegates, either. There are 795 Democratic party officials and insiders who will attend the convention this summer and they are officially uncommitted. Not. Each one of them knows which side of their bread gets the butter, and who knows better how to apply the butter than a Clinton. It’s in our political blood.

The print and broadcast media love to count the numbers, but we consider it an exercise in futility. Even if Barack Obama heads into the convention with a 200 delegate lead, he could still lose the nomination by 400 or 500 delegates because delegates can switch sides whenever they want, and the Super Delegates always throw their support to the candidate with the most to give.

It’s math. Who has more to give a delegate than me?

We have it on good authority that Barack Obama’s speeches are full of plagiarized phrases. The man is a word thief. He steals other people’s words and calls them his own.

We hired a couple of computer geeks to track Obama’s campaign speeches and run them through a database to compare with other speeches. The pattern is unmistakable. Obama’s speeches are plagiarized.

It’s a fact. Black men can’t write.

Obama says, “I have a dream.” Oh, really? Is it the dream of being able to write your own material, Barack? Or, is it a “dream” like that of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr? Or, is it the “dream” used by Massachusets Governor Deval Patrick in his campaign speeches?

The way I see this whole issue is crystal clear. Obama is not afraid to take what doesn’t belong to him. He’s used the phrase, “Fired up and ready to go in his campaign.” So have I, so it’s obvious to anyone who knows me that Obama stole the phrase from me.

I used the same line to Bill years ago when I threatened to leave him after the Monica Lewinsky affair. I said, “Bill, I’m fired up and ready to go.” Now Obama makes it a part of his own campaign. Truly, there is no honor among thieves.

Shades of Don Imus. NBC news hack David Shuster dropped a “P” bomb to describe Chelsea helping us out on the campaign trail. What an insulting and degrading man Shuster must be to stoop so low to get a laugh.

Alright, Imus lost his job for an ill-advised slur. “Nappy headed hoes” is just a line he used for effect, but it crossed the line of respect. Sorry, NBC, but there’s a reason you’re the last place network. It’s time to dump Shuster.

Why does Shuster keep his job after this: “Doesn’t it seem like Chelsea’s sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?”

Hello? NBC! Every candidate gets family to help out during a campaign. Why? Because we don’t have to pay them. Duh. Do you think I pay Bill to stir up trouble?

Talk about right wing conspiracies. Shuster’s comment wasn’t just poor taste. It was part of a huge right wing conspiracy to bring me down. Again. Big business does not want to see Big Hill in the White House.

Big business? You see, not only is NBC in last place, but their ghetto cable station, MSNBC is the Windows Vista of cable news. Microsoft poured nearly a billion dollars into MSNBC and for what? So their right wing news reader hacks could distort the truth?

Not only should I cancel my scheduled appearance on the next MSNBC debate, but I think I’ll dump my Dell laptop and switch to a Mac. That’ll show them.

For a long time this firewall business didn’t make any sense. For as long as I remember, a firewall is what firefighters dug in front of an approaching forrest fire. What’s the political significance?

Is Barack Obama considered an approaching fire? Are we fighting fire with fire? Is there some kind of new meaning to firewall that I don’t fully appreciatiate? It turns out that the Clinton Firewall is all of that and more.

The Texas and Ohio primary elections are turning out to be our firewall. If we win there, we can win in Pennsylvania a few weeks later, so digging a trench to fight Obama’s approaching firestorm might be sufficient to douse some water on his flames.

So to speak. Mixing metaphors is a trick I haven’t mastered yet. Anyway, we dig in and fight for Texas and Ohio and show everyone that Obama can’t win the big states that are crucial to a Democratic victory in November, ergo, vote for Hillary because she wins the big states.

Add Florida and Michigan delegates to the stack after a sweep in the bigger states, and Barack starts to look like the Skinny Little Kid Who Could– Almost.

Alright. I get it. You don’t have to tell me twice. I’m a member of the speed reader group now. Firewall. Barrier. Do or die. Last ditch effort to thwart a firestorm. My personal favorite is, ‘Roast his little black butt,” however, Bill says that’s playing the race card in a way it was intended to be played. Whatever.

I wonder how it is that holidays find their way to public prominence. President’s Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Christmas and New Year’s Day, I can fully understand.

One look at the rest of the public holidays and you have to wonder what it is that is worthwhile. Take Mother’s Day. Or, Father’s Day. There’s no equality there. Nobody cares about Father’s Day. Or Children’s Day, whenever that is.

St. Patrick’s Day, St. Valentine’s Day, Discoverer’s Day? Puhleeze. The only reason Martin Luther King has his own day was to placate African-Americans. Isn’t it enough that they own the home run crowns in baseball, the scoring crowns in basketball, and the weight crowns in football?

As much as we enjoy having holidays to look forward to, most of them are perpetuated by commercialism, and nothing else. Thanksgiving? Does anyone seriously consider what it was that the white folks were about to do to the real native Americans? Would native Americans have enjoyed the meal as much had they known?

Does anyone sit around and contemplate past presidents on President’s Day? Of course, not. They’re shopping or have the day off or work retail, in which case they service those shopping and seldom get a holiday off.

I called Harold Ickes aside today and said, “Icky, who are the Top 5 Recipents of Valentine’s Day cards?” He said, “Uh, mothers? Girlfriends? Trick question, right? Do I still have a job?” Everyone is so paranoid these days.

So, I said, “Icky, the Top 5 Recipients of Valentine’s Day cards are, Teachers, Students, Wives, Girlfriends, Mothers. Which one am I?”

Harold looked at me with that look my campaign staffers gave me right after I asked them to work for free, and said, “It’s Mark Penn, right? You’re letting Mark go. I knew it!”

Sigh.

I’m up early this morning. Something has been gnawing at me for hours. There’s no doubt about it. I need some fire in my speeches. It needs to be something like what Barack uses after he wins a couple of states, but less like a Baptist preacher. It doesn’t look good coming from a middle-aged white woman.

Last night I watched two campaign victory speeches; the first by Barack and the second by John McCain. I swear, it looked just like a video of a preacher and an undertaker. Barack is totally full of himself in that self-absorbed Baptist preacher, holier-than-thou, salvation-is-yours-if-you-just-trust-me sorta way.

Lots of pretty talk, soaring words, but not a shred of plan or details or how-to anywhere. I can’t believe people are buying that. If he’s the candidate of ‘hope‘ then what does that make John McCain? The ‘anti-hope‘ candidate?

McCain gave the same presentation you’d expect from an undertaker who should have retired years ago but gives the same talk over and over to the bereaved family. Worse than that was the company of corpses he keeps. John Warner stood behind McCain just like a body that had been propped and ready for a vertical burial. It was sad. I really thought Warner died last year. I’m sure I went to his funeral.

Unless I can find a rabbit somewhere near the bottom of my barrel, the November elections will be about a preacher and an undertaker. Maybe that’s why Mike Huckabee stays in the race. He probably figures that John McCain just might need an undertaker and a eulogy between now and his coronation.

We were up late last night working on campaign organizational changes. I hated to see Patti go, but Donald Trump was right. Find the one with the bad complexion, and issue a ‘You’re Fired!‘ citation.

Patti took it well and fell straight down on her sword without a whimper or a trace of blood. She’s young and will probably get a book deal out of it anyway. Nothing says a political campaign is troubled when the campaign manager jumps ship, which is what Patti’s departure from Hillaryland looks like to some political pundits. In reality, the woman is a control freak. Worse than me.

Anyway, last night’s meeting had the rest of my political family, and other than smiley-faced Maggie Williams, not much changed. I tease Maggie about her smile. Or, lack of. The woman can frown so bad sometimes that House members have nightmares. But she is really good at collaboration. So long as everyone collaborates her way.

Terry McAuliffe and Jon Mantz still head fundraising and did well the past couple of weeks. They still owe me $5-million, though. If fund raising doesn’t improve, then advertising manager Mandy Grunwald gets the next Donald Trump salute.

Mark Penn and Harold Ickes got into a heated argument just before we broke up the meeting last night. Every time we talked about moving some of Patti’s responsibilities, Mark would say, “You’re next, Icky!” Single parents have no clue how lucky they are. I’ve got to deal with Bill, Spanky, and Alfalfa every day. Patti is Darla. Maggie is Butch.

It must have something to do with the water in the South. Jimmy Carter. Bill Clinton. Now Mike Huckabee. There’s more chutzpah in that trio than in any East Coast politician.

Barring a heart attack, John McCain will be the Republican presidential nominee. Still, Mike Huckabee won’t quit. I won’t quit, either. It’s the water from Arkansas. I have it sent to me by the crate. It’s a little known secret, but if you drink a lot of water from Arkansas, go into politics or religion, you’re likely to have a miracle or two.

Growing testicles seems to be the most common side effect.

Personally, I think Huckabee is praying for a miracle, assuming that a John McCain heart attack is part of the Lord’s plan for Republicans this year. What is really interesting about this campaign isn’t that long shots actually have a shot, it’s that nothing is for certain.

First, the Democrats all but anoint me, and along comes Barack Obama, all but dead in the water six months ago. Then, the Republicans leave McCain for dead alongside the Giuliani Train, and guess what? His honor spends $50-million for a delegate. That’s a worse deal than Romney got.

Finally, after McCain is resurrected to glory, Huckabee keeps winning voters and delegates. He’s the Little Engine That Could. Or, he just doesn’t know how to read the writing on the wall. You’d think that a religious man could figure out what’s really going on.

It’s the water. Either that, or God loves resurrecting losers just to see them fall again.

Patti decided to step down right before I fired her. I think she was tipped off by Donald Trump. His advice was so right on target. Maggie Williams complexion is much better. Like a warm mocha latte.

Even better is that Maggie knows how to make me laugh, especially when things don’t look so good. Right after Patti cleaned out her desk, and extended her knowledge of American sign language with a single finger, Maggie walked in with a DVD full of John McCain television commercials, news clips, and videos.

At first, I thought it was some kind of a video bit from A Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Each commercial and clip had John McCain talking about being a foot soldier in Ronald Reagan’s Army, how he’s been a devout conservative all his life, and how his voting record is one of the best in the Senate.

Sure it is. For a closet Democrat. The irony is not lost on me. The Republican Party’s de facto nominee won the job, pretty much has been awarded the job, crowned by the media, but now he goes in on bended knee to the conservative base. It’s like having an interview after you get the job.

If the right wingers don’t bless him, McCain loses big in November. If they do, he’ll still lose, but he’ll just spend more money doing it, and just have someone else to blame.