Hillaryzilla

Now I know why tag team wrestling is so popular. The bad guys always gang up on the good guys, but the good guys end up winning.

It’s a tag team wrestling match made in heaven. Barack ‘Half Breed‘ Obama and John ‘Pretty Boy‘ Edwards vs. Hillary ‘Ice Queen‘ Clinton and Bill ‘The Stallion‘ Clinton. Anything goes. Almost.

Poor Barack finally admitted, “I can’t tell who I’m running against sometimes.” Right, Barack. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. That’s the plan.

Attack me, if you want, but when I play the good cop to Bill’s attack police dog, you lose points. Attack Bill, if you dare, but he’s the cop everyone loves, and he loves to punch back.

Politics isn’t much more than tag team wrestling with combatants who wear a suit and tie. Or, a pantsuit. Sometimes it’s one on one, sometimes it’s two against one, sometimes it’s a free for all. That’s the way it is. Politics is a contact sport.

Having Bill as pit bull, attack dog, and teammate has certain benefits. When Obama criticized Bill for attacking him, I responded with a good cop, “We both have supportive spouses.”  Meanwhile, Bill can stump for me in South Carolina while I head out to California to raise money and campaign.

As if there’s a difference.

Another day, another victory. That’s two in a row. The only problem is the math they use in Nevada to count votes and convention delegates.

There must be some kind of Mafia influence in Las Vegas.

Nevada voters do that silly little caucus thing again. It’s kind of like what they do in Iowa, except instead of everyone getting together in homes and schools, they meet up in casinos and vote. Different strokes, I guess.

Still, I’m puzzled at how everything gets counted in Nevada. I’m claiming victory because I won more votes than anyone else. But Obama walked away with more convention delegates.

Don’t tell me the Mafia isn’t behind that. It was a rigged election, planned and staged by organized crime. It’s the same kind of thing you’d expect from members of Congress except we’re not as well organized.

I win in Nevada but lose in Las Vegas and come out with less convention delegates than the election loser.

Politics is a crapshoot.

I can see this one coming a mile away so I’m calling fraud already. Barack Obama is ready to proclaim his ‘roots’ in California. Why?

Why not? There’s over 400 convention delegates at stake in the California primary and he’s behind in the polls. What better way is there for a man of color to proclaim affinity with disenfranchised voters of color than to scream ‘roots’ and ‘dream’ all day long?

Puhleeze. Gimme a break, people.

Speaking of roots, has anyone noticed that John Edwards is only four years younger than Bill but doesn’t have one gray hair? Not one. Talk about copping a page from the Ronald Reagan playbook.

Speaking of Ronald Reagan, how does Barack get away with his publicly announced hatred of Reagan? It must be some kind of Obama Distortion Field generated by his speeches, most of which are phrases lifted from speeches by President Reagan and Dr. Martin Luther King. They’re sure not original.

So, we have a problem to work out before we begin heavy campaigning in California. I don’t have roots in California, but I have this in common with Obama so we share some similar roots– I didn’t particularly like Ronald Reagan, and in fact, I have no idea why people liked the man.

Hell, all his movies were in black and white. Hmmm. I wonder…

Let’s face it, black or white, man or woman, rich or poor, smart or stupid as a nail, Sly said it best. “We are family.” We are.

We may bicker and snipe and complain and groan, but Will Rogers said it best, “I don’t belong to any organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” Despite the angry rhetoric, the media frenzy, and a few tears, we are united and have one thing in common– keep the Republicans out of the White House in 2008.

Is that too much to ask of from a kind and benevolent God, wherever she may be?

I can’t say enough about my fellow Democratic presidential candidates. Good or bad. But especially bad. Look how far we’ve come in just the past couple of weeks. We threw some mud, we apologized, we cleaned up, we moved on.

Speaking of moving on, that whole Yucca Mountain issue could come back to bite me. Nuclear waste has to go someplace. I keep saying, ‘it won’t hide itself, people!‘ What better place than the utter desolation of some radioactive dump in Nevada. It’s not like there’s anybody important that lives near the place.

When Dick Cheney leaves government and moves back to Wyoming, maybe we could dispose of nuclear waste out there. It’s just like Yucca Mountain, too. Where’s the harm? Nobody goes there. I say Wyoming is a good place for nuclear waste although I’m really against nuclear power as a fossil fuel alternative anyway. Unless there’s no other alternative. And there doesn’t appear to be one.

What I’d like to know is, how can we handle nuclear waste with millions of nuclear power cars and trucks on the highways? Doesn’t anyone ever watch the Jetsons?

No wonder Bill Clinton is as popular as Ronald Reagan. Maybe even more. He looks great, he’s tough, he’s fair, he doesn’t pull punches.

The hottest story this week is Bill pissing all over ABC’s obviously inebriated political reporter Mark Matthews. I love that man. Bill, not Mark.

Here’s the skinny. Sometime last year the Nevada Democratic party made it easier for hotel workers to vote in Saturday’s caucuses. We’re all fine with that, even though most of the hotel employees are members of the Culinary Workers Union Local 226, which has endorsed Barack Obama.

The problem has to do with at-large precincts which are voting in nine of the Las Vegas resorts. Their votes will count more than votes from others in Nevada. So the teacher’s union in Nevada filed a suit to stop the caucus votes in the resorts along the strip. Bill and I didn’t know what was going on until we read about it in a newspaper and by then it was too late and didn’t matter anyway.

It turned out to be much ado about not much, except that we got some great video of Bill relieving himself on the reporter. Doesn’t Matthews sound like he’s had too much to drink?

Two things happened in the 1992 election that put Bill and me in the White House.

First of all, George H. W. Bush, then President and current father-in-absentia of President George W. Bush, didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.

Everyone remembers, “Read my lips. No new taxes.” Dumb ass. Then he went and raised taxes. It’s as if he’d never heard of a video tape recorder.

So Bill and I, well, we travel all over the country during the 1992 campaign and came up with our famous one-two punch of politics. Keep it simple, and tt’s the economy, stupid. But we didn’t use the ’stupid’ part too often, except when talking about Republicans. Otherwise, it was just implied.

It looks to me like the Republicans are done screwing up the economy after already screwing up the war in Iraq. Iraq is a gimme, anyone can run against that and get votes. Major national campaigns like the one Bill and I are running require focus so we’re going to dump the Hillary Clinton Weekly Campaign Slogan, and go right for where it hurts Republicans the most, right where their weakest.

Money.

After all, what other presidential candidate has more experience with the economy than Bill and me? From here on out, it’s the economy, stupid. And Iraq. And hope. And maybe something else, so long as it’s simple.

My God, doesn’t anyone pay attention to the details anymore? Now we find out that Barack Obama wants to be the Paperless President because he’s so messy and disorganized that he can’t handle the details of being a Senator, let alone being president.

Hello? MSNB? Fox? CNN? Somebody!!

Whatever happened to followup questions and reporters who follow through on issues? This is a big issue. People are voting for a presidential candidate without a to-do list.

Obama said this on national television (as close to national as MSNBC’s tiny audience can be), “And my desk in my office doesn’t look good. I’ve got to have somebody around me who is keeping track of that stuff.”

George W. Bush is the same way and look who he got to keep track of stuff? Dick Cheney. Obama said, “I need to have tood people in place who can make sure that systems run.” Well, duh. Except for one thing. If you’re President, Barack, then you’re in charge. You have to make sure that it runs. That’s what being a president is all about.

Not only does Senator Obama plan to be a paperless president, he’s planning to be hands off, too. Isn’t that why we’re in Iraq? No one has a hand on the ship of state. Isn’t that why the economy is going to hell in a hand basket? No one in the White House is paying attention to the money.

For crying out loud, where are the follow up questions, people? NBC trots out their top news readers, Brian ‘I Need A New Nose‘ Williams and Tim ‘Potato Chin‘ Russert during the Nevada debate and I have to do all their work and tell everyone what’s really happening.

I’ll put out a memo.

I have just about had enough of this. Race card my ass. People just don’t know their history.

Finally, we get a nearly viable black candidate for President, and he really wants to compete with the first really viable woman candidate for President. So, the race card has been played. Enough already. Where’s the female card? There are a lot more women than black people.

Barack Obama is no Martin Luther King. There. I said it. Show me where that’s wrong?

King was a poor baptist preacher from Georgia. Obama was born in Hawaii and went to private schools. Besides, he’s only half black. King was all black.

I don’t know where it will end but this tit-for-tat war of words will only hurt the Democrats in the election. All I said was, “Dr. King’s dream began to be realized when President Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act” and you would have thought I’d put on a white sheet and set my limo driver on fire.

Then Bill goes out and says Obama’s position on Iraq is a “fairy tale” and suddenly everyone thinks I said Obama’s candidacy is a fairy tale. It is, but that’s beside the point. People just don’t listen anymore.

Well, except Robert Johnson, the founder of BET. As an African-American he tells it like it is and was. Obama used drugs. Those are his words. Not mine. He’s black. Not me.

Anyway, it’s time to end this little war and move on.

Well, we played the race card and it didn’t go over so well. African-Americans have become so sensitive to everything. There’s no pleasing them.

Attributing civil rights success to President Johnson didn’t go over so well. You’d have thought I was trying to drag Martin Luther King’s memory by a chain on the back of a pickup truck in Alabama. At midnight.

In all my years of politics I don’t think I have ever heard so many people of color in full-on squawk mode about a simple history lesson. I keep wanting to say, “Look it up, people. Lyndon Baines Johnson saved your black asses. Show a little respect for history.”

I would say it but doing so probably would bring down the wrath of a black god on my campaign and I just don’t need the grief right now.  For the moment I just smile and tell everyone to support my campaign and I’ll have more to say during the debates this week.

Black people are just not gifted enough to understand the nuances of politics. Football, basketball, track, yes. But politics? Not so much.

All this wrangling over ‘he said, she said’ and the race card has the Republicans salivating over our divide. Fortunately, there are still half a dozen old white men running neck and neck in the Republican race and they show their disregard for blacks just by being Republicans, so it’s not as if black Democrats have a better choice than a well educated, middle-aged white woman.

This is the only time of year when I really like Las Vegas. Usually it’s too damned hot. And I thought it was hot in New Hampshire.

Outside of Las Vegas and gambling and Area 51, Nevada doesn’t have much going for it. Bill told me everything about Area 51. Everything. Obama has no idea what’s really going on in the world. Or out of this world.

Nevada is a paradox. People are moving here by the thousands per day yet there’s no water. There’s plenty of jobs, low cost housing, and no future. Most voters here work in the service trades, which includes gambling. We’re negotiating to get union support here but it doesn’t look good. They need a rainmaker as much as they need a Democrat in the White House.

Still, it’s important to build on the momentum from New Hampshire, and what better way to do it than to campaign in yet another state with few voters and fewer primary delegates and a weird caucus thing. Seriously. Where do people dream up these ideas about how to select a candidate for public office?

Nevada has a debate coming up and we’re trying to find Bill so we can practice questions. He’s very, very good with answers to any question. The problem is getting him out of the casinos and away from chorus girls, or whatever they’re calling them these days.