Hillaryzilla

Tonight’s Democratic presidential debate between Barack Obama and me was the best ever on national television. It was truly a jib-jab lovefest for change.

Argumentation and debate instructors will use a tape of the debate in their classrooms for decades.

The question that received the loudest applause was one everyone in my campaign has been talking about for a month. Is ‘Clinton-Obama’ the perfect ticket?

Yes, it is. How can John ‘Elmer Fudd’ McCain win against such a pairing? We’ll get all the black, or colored, or African-American, or whatever vote. for sure. Most women will vote for us, too. Plus, we get the youth vote; anyone 30 and under.

We’ll sweep the country. I’ll take the West Coast, Bill can handle the East Coast, and Barack gets the South. From time to time we’ll all roll through the Midwest on one of those barnstorming trains. McCain can have whatever else is left, and it won’t be much. Think Bob Dole in 1996. It was his turn to lose then, and it’s McCain’s turn to lose now.

The only problem I have with this so-called ‘Perfect Ticket’ is simple– Obama’s on it. Granted, we see eye-to-eye on most issues, and he wasn’t around the Senate when we voted on the war, so that’s not a blemish on his record. It’s just that the man loves the spotlight. It’s as if media attention gives him a tan, or something.

Bill has already warned me that if we put Obama on the ticket we can’t lose. We’re back in the White House, baby!! But that’s short term thinking. Longer term there are some issues.

My greatest fear is that Obama will end up thinking he’s some kind of co-President. We’ve already heard from some of our moles in his campaign that he wants Oprah Winfrey to be Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Sure, I’ll go for that. Not.

In Obama’s bizarro world I suppose Hulk Hogan would get the Secretary of Defense job. John Edwards would get the nod for the Labor job. Obama would appoint Tom Hanks for Education and Arnold for Transportation. Ted Kennedy would be appointed as Secretary of Alcohol and Driver’s Education.

I watched the Republican Presidential debate tonight and if I hear Ronald Reagan’s name mentioned one more time I’m going to throw up.

What a debate. What is better than Republicans smacking each other smack in the middle of Reagan country. Based on the number of times Reagan’s name was used, you would have thought he fathered John McCain.

It had all the excitement of a will reading with the heirs sitting around badgering one another about who was more Reagan worthy. Note to Republicans: Reagan’s dead already.

Nancy Reagan looked positively funeral bound and had to be propped up by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her red dress was totally symbolic, too, what with Republicans completely forgetting that the U.S. flag is red, and white and blue.

People think I have problems? Everyone but God has come out to endorse John McCain. Except for Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, and Mitt Romney. Bill calls them the Four Horsemen of Their Apocalypse.

Huckabee is too busy orating and kissing butt at the same time; which is quite a trick for a man who claims homosexuals will burn in hell. Romney has half of whatever is left of the slenderest chance in hell of overtaking McCain now. Ron Paul is just in the way and doesn’t know it.

Still, it was a Reagan Family Values night for Republican candidates and great entertainment for everyone else. It’s too bad Reagan’s ghost didn’t show up. I half expected the old guy to walk out on stage and give the finger to all four of them. If McCain is their man, and I think he will be, all Barack Obama and I have to debate now is how we’ll beat the old guy in November, assuming he lives that long.

McCain, not Obama.

Ted Kennedy loves Barack Obama and not me. All I can say is I’m hurt. We tried. Bill talked to Ted on the phone to get him to hold his endorsement until after Super Tuesday’s primaries. In the end, Kennedy was pissed that we didn’t call him sooner.

Either way, it’s difficult to fight the memory of a ghost. It should be obvious to everyone what is really going on with both these Kennedy endorsements.

Psychiatrists would hold a convention just to study the Kennedy family and all their problems. Caroline Kennedy sees her father in Obama, while Ted Kennedy sees his older brother. I just see a crazy woman and a fat alcoholic looking for a final moment in the sun.

What really gets under my pantyhose is this– no one is paying attention to the scorecard in all this. Sure, I didn’t get Ted Kennedy or Caroline Kennedy’s endorsement, not that anyone except the news media really cares, but our Kennedy scorecard looks pretty good.

The Kennedy family still loves us. At least, those that are not paranoid or inebriated. Today I was endorsed by a bunch of Kennedys not living off the past, but looking forward to my future– Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and Kerry Kennedy, whoever he is. That’s three Kennedys for Clinton, and only two for Barack Obama.

Was that score on the nightly news? Nope. Not a word.

How much influence does Ted Kennedy have in the political process these days? I tell everyone to ask Mitt Romney. Despite his sober best, Kennedy couldn’t stop Romney from getting elected as governor of Massachusetts. A Republican governor in the most Democratic of states. How embarrassing.

When Kennedy told Bill he would endorse Obama instead of me, Terry McAuliffe turned to me and said, ‘What impact will this have to our chances on Super Tuesday?’

Bill just grinned and said, ‘We’ll fall off that bridge when we get to it. Just like Ted Kennedy.’

We’re not going to campaign in Florida, and it’s probably a good thing. The Democrats there are idiots.

For whatever reason the party decided to move their primary election date and that pissed off the Democratic leadership so much that Florida’s convention delegates won’t be counted. Unless I win in Florida, in which case I think Florida’s votes should count.

The same thing happened in Michigan. Mitt Romney won on the Republican side, and I won on the Democratic side, but the Democratic National Committee is pissed at Michigan, too, so their votes don’t count toward my nomination. Unless I win in Florida, in which case I think Michigan’s votes should count, too.

It’s only fair.

Howard Wolfson talked to Chris Matthews and told him that we expect John Edwards to bow out of the presidential race after I win on Super Tuesday. I’d French kiss the guy if he would get out of the race before then. We’re all really concerned about John’s health. He needs to save some money for his kid’s college education fund, and for his own retirement which should start soon, and to help find a cure for his wife’s inability to shut up.

Instead, he’s been spending his kid’s inheritance on this losing presidential campaign. He can’t win, so why does he bother? He doesn’t need the job. He doesn’t need the money. All he’s doing by exercising this political death wish is to screw up the delegate count for me, and he leaves his poor, sick, and grumpy wife at home alone.

It’s time for Johnny B. Gone.

Late last night I got a call from Bill on my cell phone after I finished the day campaigning in Tennessee. The first thing he said was, “I told you so.” As usual, he was right again.

Barack Obama won big in South Carolina. It was a trouncing, a drubbing, a runaway victory. That’s what you heard on every cable news channel from 11 seconds after the polls closed.

Obama beat Clinton in South Carolina. Or, did he?

Bill explained the results this way. South Carolina’s Democrats are comprised of about 50-percent blacks. Most of that vote when to Barack Obama.

The rest of the vote would be split three ways, a little for Obama, a little more for John Edwards, and a little more for me. That looks like Obama literally trounced me and John. Or, did he?

In reality, Obama got 80-percent of the black vote, but only 25-percent of the white vote. 20-percent of the black vote was split between John and me, while 75-percent of the white vote was split between John and me.

In other words, it was a day of ebony vs. ivory, black vs. white. Obama scored a narrow victory, and just barely got by the white candidates with a little over half the vote, and that was in a state where half the voters are black. Or, African-American, or whatever.

What would have happened if the primary election had been held in, say, New York or California, instead of predominantly black South Carolina?

It’s math. Again, Obama would have received 80-percent of the black vote, which would be barely 10-percent of the total vote, and maybe 15-percent of the white vote, for a grand total of maybe 30-percent, in which case he loses.

In an election that is 10-percent pure ebony vs. 90-percent pure ivory, and my ivory is pure, then Obama loses. It’s ebony vs. ivory. There’s more ivory states than ebony states, so when we add it all up, ivory wins.

Now if I could just figure out what to do with John Edwards. He keeps losing, but he doesn’t quit. I think he’s looking for a job.

Before I left South Carolina for Tennessee, Bill told me, “It’s all over but the counting. Mission accomplished.”

The ‘mission’ was Bill’s attacks on Barack Obama up to the South Carolina election today. By all accounts, including my official response which will come later today, Bill went overboard. Like a fox.

We figured it out weeks ago. There was no way to win in South Carolina. For crying out loud, Jesse Jackson once ran for President and carried the state. What chance does a white woman from New York have?

Bill’s objective was clear to anyone paying attention, which is why you didn’t hear about it on CNN, Fox, ABC, CBS, NBC or anywhere else. They don’t pay attention.

Politics is a contact sport. It’s also strategy and tactics. Obama is winning the black vote, as expected, but from here on out he won’t be able to expand that base because Bill labeled him as the ‘black candidate’ or the ‘African-American’ candidate.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just the truth. But it will scare the beJesus out of white folks and a lot more of them will vote white than will vote black.

Mission accomplished.

The New York Times made a decision to keep race and money out of the presidential election. They endorsed me for Democrats and John McCain for Republicans.

The newspaper’s endorsement was devoid of any mention of Barack Obama’s race or Mitt Romney’s money or John Edwards’ pretty face or Mike Huckabee’s religion.

The New York Times editorial implied that we have all those things already. Who has raised more money than me? Mitt Romney has money but not as much as I raised already and I’m just getting started.

Who brings up the race card except Obama’s campaign and Fox News? After all, Bill is already known as the real first African-American President. Blacks like Bill even more than they like Obama.

What’s left? Religion and a pretty face, and nobody cares much about either one. If they did, Tom Cruise would be running for President.

Politics is about tough choices. Bill and I agree that I may not win the South Carolina primary. We have to face reality. Half the people in South Carolina are black and it’s to be expected that they want one of their own to be movin’ on up, even if he’s only half black and went to private schools and almost looks like a Muslim when photographed next to real black people. I’ll give him his day in the sun.

Meanwhile, Bill can roam around the South, stirring up emotions and whipping out his Southern charm and make a race of it down there while I campaign in California, New York, Ohio and other states that really matter in the election.

I have to admit that I’m surprised and deeply hurt and more than a little disappointed that African-American people think Bill and I are invoking the race card in the Democratic presidential election. It just isn’t so.

Doesn’t everyone already know that Barack Obama is the black presidential candidate, or the African-American candidate, or whatever? People know that and say that even though most voters know he’s really only half black.

Every American has to play their part and rise above our differences for true equality to work. White people have just come closer to equality than people of other races. Voters don’t refer to me as ‘woman presidential candidate,’ do they?

Of course not. It would be rude.

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it. So, here we are in the field of politics and we see Barack Obama, one of God’s colorful creations, and we just have to tell people about the colors we see, his proud black and white heritage, his family roots in the Muslim religion. God would not be happy if we didn’t tell people.

It’s only fair.

I’m a little baggy eyed today. Fortunately, no one noticed. We were up late last night with Rob Reiner in California, twisting a few Hollywood arms, and spinning his big money Rolodex.

Winning the Democratic nomination won’t be easy without winning in California, and that means spending money. Lots of money. Spending big money means getting big money first, so that’s why I’m here. We’re not conceding South Carolina, but, win or lose, there’s no money in South Carolina.

Iowa, New Hampshire, and even South Carolina, are all pretty much mom and pop retail political campaigns. Not much money to collect and not much money to be spent. California? It’s not even a retail campaign. It’s a wholesale campaign. It’s the Wal-Mart of primary election prizes. This prize costs money, and we have money.

All Barack Obama has is a California pipe dream to crack. So to speak.

The math is enough to make or break. A presidential nominee needs to win 2,025 delegates to win the Democratic nomination. 1,688 of those delegates will come from 20 states in the February 5th primary. California alone has 441 delegates at stake. New York and Illinois are two of the states large that votes on the 5th. That’s why they call it Super Tuesday. Or, Tsunami Tuesday. Or, whatever.

I’m from New York. And Illinois. But my heart is California Dreamin’.

We dusted off our old Clinton campaign signs and slogans from 1992. They’re still good today.

Not only has President Bush led the country into a costly, misguided, mishandled war that cannot be won, he’s butchered the economy, too. Stocks are dropping faster than Dick Cheney’s approval ratings. Now we have to come up with a few hundred billion dollars to kick start the stock market, the housing market, and my campaign.

Perfect.

Everyone of our campaign contributors and supporters will remember, “It’s the economy, stupid,” the internal slogan that Bill used everywhere back in the 1992 election against the other President Bush. A lousy economy helped push us into the White House back then. Well, what goes around, comes around. Here comes the economy issue again, right on schedule.

Perfect.

See, Bill and I know something about how to jump start an economy. What does Obama know about fixing a broken economy? Maybe he can get one of his slum lord supporters to help out. Maybe Oprah will give everyone a car.

Now, if we can just come up with something like the Internet bubble again. Before Super Tuesday would be nice.