Hillaryzilla

I cannot be the only person who noticed this. Barack Obama is half white. His mother is white, and his father is black. So much for being the great black hope. Didn’t anyone else notice this? I’m tired of all this “African-American” hype, too. As if having heritage from slaves from Africa is something to be proud of. You don’t see me wandering around telling everyone I’m a Welsh, English, Scottish, French, Canadian, and Native American.

What I want to know is why all these really black folks like Oprah Winfrey are scurrying around in Iowa offering show business support for a candidate whose genes came from who knows where? You don’t see me with a wheelbarrow of Hollywood celebrities going door to door up here. It doesn’t work. The only value in a celebrity is money. They have more of it so they can afford to give more of it.

I may have under estimated the voters in Iowa. The latest poll results highlight what we already knew. Eight out of 10 of all voters are not going to vote for Obama just because Oprah endorsed him. Oh, sure, one out of every five black women voters in Iowa will vote for Obama just because Oprah tells them to. If Oprah told them to jump off a bridge, they would do that, too.

Lucky for me there’s only a few hundred black women voters in Iowa and they don’t have much experience at filling out voter ballots anyway.

No offense to Terry McAuliffe, but this is a season of change. If change is what voters want, then I’m going to give it to them. Bill is my new campaign manager.

No, I haven’t told anyone yet because it would make me look a little desperate. Terry can keep the title and the salary, but Bill gives the marching orders. Who is the best politician of the modern era of politics? Bill Clinton. Who led the country to balanced budgets, and no wars? Bill Clinton. Who gave the country daily drama and lived to tell about it? Bill Clinton.

So, today we’re crisscrossing Iowa in freezing rain and wind to convince what amounts to a few hundred caucus delegates and potential voters that I represent the best hope for change in America, and that Barack Obama is a pot smoking, drug taking, Muslim loving, half breed, with bad breath.

Except I can’t actually say that. It’s up to Bill to get the message across. If he does a good job, he gets to sleep in the White House again. If not, then he can write his own damned book without my help.

Everybody I know got the same email message. “Obama’s secretly a Muslim!” Like that’s news.

Hey, facts is facts. Barack is not an American name like John, or Bill, or whatever. Rudy is Italian, named after a reindeer. I have no idea what kind of name Mitt is, but it can’t be good, and certainly, probably, maybe isn’t even Christian.

Does anybody care what kind of name Barack is? Where’s Fox News when we really need them?

Anyway, that email message has been floating around for weeks claiming that Obama is secretly a Muslim. Could be. I don’t know. I won’t judge. But Americans need to know the truth. So we did a background check on the internet. It only cost $29. Guess what? Obama was a Muslim but now he’s a Christian.

Just to be sure, before we leaked the results, we paid another $29 and did another background check on Obama. Guess what? That background check showed that he’s a closet Muslim but faking his Christian faith. Can you do that and still be a Muslim? I don’t know, but Terry McAuliffe is checking it out.

After all that, I don’t know what to think. Maybe Obama’s a Muslim, maybe he’s not. He’s a politician. What can you believe?

No doubt about it, polls suck. Polls are constantly changing, often wrong, and don’t tell the whole story about what is happening in an election.

Polls suck. I talked with John McCain on the phone tonight and he agrees with me. He’s got his own problems in the national polls. From what I can tell after reading yet another poll on the presidential race, Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee are neck and neck. John McCain, the candidate with no neck, is drifting back to 4th place, well behind Mitt Romney.

How did Huckabee get so high in the polls? He doesn’t have much money. I know I should know this, but I still can’t figure out what appeal these hick state governors have to voters. At least Bill was tall and good looking. Who wants a President with “huck” in his name? Come on, people!

What bothers me about public polling? The results and the methodology. The results are only good if you’re comfortably ahead in the race. At that point methodology doesn’t matter. If it’s a tight race, or you’re behind, then methodology is screwed up.

For example, the latest CNN-Opinion Research telephone poll that shows me leading Obama nationwide was made with less than 900 registered voters. How good can a poll be when it’s made up of answers from only 467 registered Democrats all over the country? That’s worthless.

Worse than worthless is that the spooks at CNN blather all over the place that Obama is closing in on me in the national race, according to their latest poll. Hey, media pundits. There is NO national race. Take a political science class or something. It’s a state-by-state race, Wolf. Read my lips. Winner. Take. All.

The only poll that counts is the last one.

Iowa may feel like it, but it’s not the end of the world. Close, though. It sure feels like it these days. But things change.

Fortunately for my political fortunes, Iowa is a mere speed bump on the long and winding road to the White House, a battleground among many in the war for political supremacy, a notch in the bedpost of historical footnotes.

I was entering high school when JFK came from nowhere and battled LBJ for the Democratic presidential nomination. The once powerful Texas Senator sank into post election oblivion as the charismatic young president won the hearts and minds of Americans coast to coast.

But things change.

Last night I dreamed that Barack Obama swept to victory in the 2008 presidential election with me as his running mate. Just like JFK and LBJ.  During the dream I remember being disappointed, saddened by my fate, then I realized the obvious.

Things change.

I’m loyal. I’m supportive. But I’m a political pragmatist, and I’m not going to ride in the presidential limousine with Obama. Ever.

Santa is coming early this year and he brought bags of good news for everyone. Except me.

I don’t know where to start. It’s not as though Santa has eliminated the national debt, cured disease, or stopped natural disasters. I must have done something wrong as a little girl, because the old geezer obviously has it in for me.

Everyone else slogging along the campaign trail in search of the presidential holy grail got good news this week. Except me.

Santa wrote a speech and gave it to Mitt Romney who read it on television, a milk and cookies speech full of Americana and religion and inspiration, topped off with the tearful icing of emotion, his first display of emotion like probably ever. What happens? Criticism? Derision? Nope. Every pundit and prognosticator on the political circuit loved it. They called it a turning point in his campaign.

What did Santa bring Barack Obama? Oprah Winfrey. How he got that sausage of a woman in his bag and down a chimney is beyond me, but he did it. Oprah is just what Obama needs in Iowa to inch over the top. There’s not much about that woman that can be measured in inches.

The only good news I could use isn’t really news I can use now. It’s certainly worthless in Iowa or New Hampshire, where it would count. This week we found out that Iran’s nuclear program was stopped way back in 2004. For the past three years President Cheney’s string puppet, George W., has been whipping Iran as some kind of a nucular rogue nation, just weeks away from building a bomb and creating their own holocaust. Now it turns out they actually stopped working on it years ago. So much for intelligence gathering in the information age, huh?

Damned Santa. What gives? I can’t use that. It’s worthless news. All it shows is how corrupt or stupid or both the Bush administration really is, right?

Everybody already knows that.

I got to a staff and campaign meeting about 10 minutes late this morning. Everyone was talking about the big “O” coming to Iowa. Terry McAuliffe asked me what I thought.

Well, I was shocked that it was even a topic for conversation at a campaign meeting. Seriously, don’t we have bigger issues to discuss? Like, how do we trip up Barack Obama? The little monkey is working some kind of magical voodoo on people who answer polls, that’s for sure.

But I was even more shocked that women in Iowa, here in the 21st century, are just now learning about the big “O.” My gracious, don’t they teach sex education in the schools here? What do the women up here do all winter? Bake pies and corn bread?

How can a whole state of women not know about the big “O”? I wanted to know what my staff had planned, and demanded that we address the issue quickly to ensure that Obama doesn’t capitalize on the opportunity to further educate Iowa’s masses of forlorn and neglected women.

An orgasm is a woman’s right, whether she’s married or single. If women in Iowa are just now finding out about their rights in the bedroom, well, what does that say about the men in Iowa? Injustice knows no bounds.

Then Terry leans over to my ear to whisper the bad news. The big “O” isn’t orgasm, it’s Oprah. Oprah Winfrey is coming to Iowa to campaign for Obama.

“Oh, that big “O”?” My bad.

Politics can be such a dirty business. Why is it that candidates for President are required to dig up and publish all the scurrilous acts and personal foibles of other candidates? Why can’t the press do that job?

There’s less than a month to go before the Iowa caucus. I’m stuck in a conundrum and need an epiphany.

As of today I’ve slipped behind Barack Obama in the polls, and John Edwards is gaining fast. I don’t really know what happened. I was sailing along, minding my own business, counting the campaign contributions, and I looked up and over my shoulder, and wham, that was it. Bill always told me never to look over my shoulder because someone might be gaining on me. I looked. I couldn’t help myself. It’s my own fault.

Now I’m faced with a decision. We dug up some really good dirt about Obama and Edwards. It’s the kind of personal stuff that sinks a politicians campaign. Should I go public and expose these conniving, evil, nasty men for what they really are? Or, should I simply hold on to the information and hope someone in the media does the work they should do in the first place, and does it soon?

Iowa voters don’t like negative campaigns. Look at what happened to John Dean? Remember him? Exactly.

Must think happy thoughts. Must think happy thoughts. Must think…

I want to be President. Who doesn’t? It’s just that I said it first, not Barack Obama.

One of my earliest thoughts from childhood and elementary school, or maybe it was kindergarten, was my dream to become President. I only married Bill because I dreamed that he would make it to the White House one day, and he did. “Follow your dreams,” I always say.

All of a sudden, Barack Obama is traipsing around cornfields in Iowa telling voters that he always wanted to be President when he grew up. He says his dream started in kindergarten with an essay creatively titled, “I want to be President.”

Who didn’t? It’s common, right? Fireman. Truck driver. Nurse. Doctor. President. Come on, people. That’s pandering. It tugs at the heart. It’s what politicians are supposed to say. The truth is that Obama is lying. For the past couple of years he’s been running around giving speeches and telling people he didn’t want to be President, and that he only entered the campaign for the good of the country.

Now we find out Obama has wanted to be President since he was in kindergarten. What a flip flopper. The man can’t be trusted.

There were are, all the Democratic presidential candidates, stuck in Des Moines for the Brown and Black forum, one of those schmooze fests on minority issues.

During the Question and Answer periods, each candidate was given the opportunity to aim a question at any other candidate. Fun stuff.

John Edwards and Barack Obama were not already married with children, I swear they were both gay and courting the queer vote. In Iowa that’s about a dozen people. So, Edwards grabs one of his softballs and lobs it at Obama: “Would the Illinois Senator… join me in pushing to raise the minimum wage to $9.50?”

Before Obama could muster an answer, Edwards continued,”I think our voices together are more powerful than our voices alone.” Well, duh. And gummy bears stick to your teeth.

Obama responded as if his answer was written by Ewards, “The answer is yes… And John had done good work on this.” I just smiled through the whole hug fest, but inside I was thinking, “What the hell kind of question is that? Where’s the fireworks? People come to these debates to see us slug it out and you guys are hugging on stage? Where’s the drama?”

Well, who needs drama when you’ve got comedy relief, right? We each got to ask a question of another candidate. Dennis Kucinich decided to pose his question to himself. I have no idea what Kucinich’s wife sees in him.

The question of the night came from former New Mexico Governor Bill “Pancho” Richardson. He asked me, “Senator Clinton, would you agree that governors, such as your husband, and myself, make good presidents?”

“Well, Bill,” I said, “I also think they make good vice presidents.” Too bad he’s not on the list.