Hillaryzilla

We’re about ready to say goodbye to 2007, and hello 2008. All I can say is good riddance to the former, and about time for the latter. Tonight’s boozefest gathering while we countdown the new year is a who’s who of people with money.

Rob Reiner called to tell me again to fire Nancy Pelosi once I’m President. I’ve told him half a dozen times it doesn’t work that way. What an idiot.

Bill just told me that Chuck Schumer is showboating on television again. I’m locked in a life and death election battle out here freezing my butt off with Children of the Corn and Schumer’s spending New Year’s Eve in Iraq with the troops, and brown nosing with General Petraeus. Chuck was in Israel and Jordan last week. The guy lives dangerously, that’s for sure.

Funny thing, though, Bill tells everyone that the most dangerous place in America or Iraq is between Schumer and a television camera. Just the thought of Chuck primping for a TV camera cracks me up. He looks so scholarly behind those dark glasses. Half the time on the Senate floor he’s asleep.

I’m still pissed at him because he wouldn’t support the tax bill last summer. The man raised over a million dollars for his campaign by strong arming the kingpins of hedge funds and top private equity managers and then he says, on principle, that he doesn’t want a tax bill that will close their loopholes.

Principle? They bribed him.

Better luck next year, Chuck.

Bill’s cholesterol level is up again. It seems to match my blood pressure during the campaign. We make it a habit to eat breakfast together whenever we can, but no more eggs for Bill. It’s toast and oatmeal from here on out. If I lose these silly little votes in Iowa then Bill can fix his own damned toast.

Speaking of toast, for some reason these Iowa caucuses are taking on far more importance than ever before. I’m at a loss to figure out why. It’s a fake election by a bunch of white folks with dreams of prominence. Maybe there’s just not enough news about Paris Hilton or Britney Spears so Fox and CNN and everyone else focuses undue attention on Iowa. That’s what I think.

I also think that after Iowa’s fake primary and before New Hampshire’s real primary we’ll see the presidential wannabe field thin out faster than Joe Biden’s hair. Joe is toast. So is Christopher Dodd. Bill Richardson will stick around for a few more primaries or until I cave in and give him a job.

Divide and conquer, that’s what I say. So I’m out here in Iowa while Bill is up in New Hampshire stumping for votes with only nine days left until the primary. Bill came in second in New Hampshire in 1992, another episode in his quest to remain the Comeback Kid of politics.

Sometimes I think the guy is totally senile, lost in dementia, a poster child for Alzheimer’s. He’s in New Hampshire telling people that Joe Biden and Chris Dodd are his friends. He’s reminding voters that he supported John Edwards in 1998, Obama in 2004, and that Bill Richardson was his United Nations ambassador and energy secretary. What’s with that? Is Bill nuts?

Then, he turns around and says stuff like, “We’ve got to pick a president here. It’s a hard job, it’s a serious job.” Obama’s campaign slogan is “Change You Can Believe In” and Bill gets in front of a big crowd and says about me, “She’s the best change maker I have ever worked with.” And people believe him.

I just hope I don’t have to change his Depends in the White House.

New rule for my staff. From here on out, I want a limit of 3 questions per campaign stop in Iowa. Last week’s no question policy didn’t work. I’m the candidate for change, so I’m changing the rules.

Iowa people are so cute, dressed up in their flannel shirts, hats, boots, gloves, and glasses.  I think everyone in Iowa wears glasses. We stopped for a little rally in Story City today. I told them, “Just three questions.” Well, all those folks could come up with were two questions; one on education and one on depleted uranium.

Depleted uranium? What are these people smoking? A I thought about an answer I figured they’re just afraid the federal government will want to store nuclear waste in some Iowa cornfield. Actually, that’s not a bad idea.

What pisses me off about campaigning is the constant tit-for-tat between candidates. I tell supporters to limit their questions to three to save time and keep us on schedule. Then John Edwards tells people he’ll answer as many questions as they want to ask.

I hope someone asks him why he needs to spend $400 on a haircut.

Politics can be a dirty business full of unfounded accusations thrown at candidates and office holders. Sometimes candidate throw mud in person, sometimes by proxy, sometimes in a leaked memo.

In this case, the latest Obama memo wasn’t leaked to the press. The memo was left behind at a rally in Iowa where we found it in a waste paper basket. The memo was by Barack’s campaign manager, David “X-File” Plouffe and attacks me and John Edwards regarding campaign contributions.

Here’s the juicy parts of Plouffe’s memo, which we’ll leak to the press, saving him the trouble.

“Heading into the final stretch before the Iowa caucuses, millions of dollars in third party spending are pouring into the state in an unprecedented attempt to benefit the campaigns of John Edwards and Hillary Clinton.”

Duh. The only reason Obama’s campaign brings this up is because no one outside of Iowa wants to see him win in Iowa so they don’t send him contributions.

Plouffe’s memo continues:

“For Clinton, AFSCME, EMILY’s List and the AFT have spent over $2.6 million to assist her campaign – even as AFSCME attacks Obama for a position on health care mandates that they themselves have.”

What’s with all the acronyms? How am I supposed to know what any of that means? Wait. There’s more.

“This unprecedented level of outside spending could impact the outcome in Iowa and New Hampshire, and we believe voters in these states deserve to know exactly how much is being spent, where it’s coming from, and who’s benefiting.”

Let me see if I remember where Oprah lives. Oh, yeah. NOT in Iowa, so all of Oprah’s contributions to Barack’s campaign in Iowa is money that didn’t come from Iowa.

That’s like the pot calling the kettle black.

Christmas just isn’t what it used to be. It should be a time of family gatherings, great meals, relaxation. Instead, I’m trudging through Iowa cornfields and trying to dodge the snow storms in New Hampshire. Why don’t these people have elections in spring like everyone else?

Gift giving is important at Christmas. Here’s a partial list of the gifts I gave out this year.

Bill – key to the chastity belt. It’s only good for 5 minutes. Based on experience, I’d say that’s plenty of time for Bill.

George W. Bush – taking a cue from the Wizard of Oz, Mr. President gets a clue. But only one. It comes with an expiration date which ensures it will never be used.

John Edwards – in the age of $400 haircuts, I gave John a Flowbee. It’s a gift from me so he’ll still think it sucks. He’s right, of course. It does.

John McCain – I couldn’t help myself. I sent John a pair of thick lens glasses and a Mr. Magoo coffee mug. It’s a perfect match.

Dennis Kucinich – Judging by the overall hotness of his beautiful young wife, I’d say the little guy has something bigger in his pocket, so I gave him a copy of The Joy of Sex.

Benazir Bhutto – I sent some kevlar body armor to Benazir Bhutto, Pakistan’s next Prime Minister. She’ll need it. Pakistan is a nasty place.

Barack Obama – he gets a one year paid subscription to “O“, Oprah’s magazine. I just made sure the name on his subscription was spelled wrong.

Rudy Giuliani – poor Rudy got a copy of the Bible’s 10 Commandments, with #7, #8, #9, #10 in bold, signed by the Pope.

Michael Bloomberg – what can you get the man who already has everything? Nothing. So I sent him a gift wrapped empty box.

When people openly wonder about the secret to Mike Huckabee’s success, Bill and I just smile at each other. We know why.

Huckabee is a Baptist minister and was governor of Arkansas. Bill was a Baptist and governor of Arkansas. Both men love the ladies and the limelight.

What’s their secret?

Put the pieces together. Mike, Bill. Simple, straightforward, strong, rooted names. People won’t buy into names like Mitt, or Barack, or Rudy for very long.

Mike and Bill are folksy and pleasant, and that resonates with voters hungry for someone who appears honest and straightforward. Of course, it’s just appearances. It’s politics. But, just as it was with Bill, Mike weaves in a little religion with chutzpah, a sense of humor twisted around a measure of affability, and a cup of humble grace. It’s a secret recipe for a political pie.

Why people can’t figure that out is beyond me. We had it figured out in Arkansas over 20 years ago. Ronald Reagan knew the secret. Jimmy Carter, too. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Huckabee was channeling John Edwards. Sure, Edwards came from poor folks, but a $400 haircut habit makes it sound like Edwards was born on third base and tells people he hit a triple.

Geezuz H. Kriminey, this place is colder than a one-armed well digger’s titty this time of year, and it can only get worse. After all, winter just started here in the frosty flatlands the indians called Iowa. My daily routine is so routine that a blind man without health care could do it.

Do what? Wander around through snow and slippery sidewalks glad handing people with wet noses and silver sleeves just so people up here could get to know the real Hillary. As if.

Where is the Christmas spirit this year? It’s not in Iowa or New Hampshire, that’s for sure. You’d think that politicians were nothing more than human pit bulls, what with all the biting at one another day in and day out.

I call for a Christmas truce.

From now through January 1st, no mud slinging allowed by any candidate for president, Republican or Democrat. After that, anything goes, of course, but not during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day.

Who cares if John Edwards wears his wife’s underwear? Who cares if Barack Hussein Obama was fathered by a Muslim? What difference does it make if Rudy Giuliani is deathly ill with cancer? Does anyone need to know that Mitt Romney’s Alzheimer’s causes memory lapses and hallucinations?

Voters need a truce, a holiday respite, a time out from the petty bickering and oneupsmanship from politics. Let me be the first to say, “Hillary supports a political Christmas truce.” Oh, and John McCain was brainwashed by the Vietnamese when he was a P.O.W.”

I really don’t know what else to say. When I found out that Bill has secretly been supporting Barack Obama, I was stunned. I cried.

In fact, I was so pissed at Bill for keeping it a secret from me that I took his entire collection of toys from McDonald’s and put them in a blender.

This is not just a lover’s spat, it’s the real thing. This time it’s worse than Monica Lewinsky bowing down before his big Lebowski and savoring and saving the leftovers for an FBI investigation. This time it’s personal.

Bill has been creating web sites on the internet which all point back to Barack Obama’s web site home page. I got a tip from one of my staffers today who saw the web page link and wanted to give me a heads up before reporters got wind of it.

I clicked on PresidentBillClinton.com just to see what would happen. Instead of a history of Bill’s time in the White House, it’s a home page about Barack Obama. The same thing happens with WilliamClinton.com. Yep, right back to Barack Obama’s home page.

Why would he do that? He wants to get back into the White House as much as me? What else can I say? Bill is a lying, dirty, conniving, weasel of a traitor.

There is no doubt about it. Even in politics, size matters. It’s simple math. When it comes to affairs, mine is longer than his.

Maybe that needs to be rephrased. I’m talking about foreign affairs, and my list of experts who back my campaign is longer than the list of wannabe foreign affairs experts who back Barack Obama’s campaign.

Obama’s been running around in Iowa like a chocolate chicken telling reporters things like “You could argue that there are more foreign policy experts from the Clinton administration supporting me than Senator Clinton.”

Reporters will print anything and never bother to check sources.

You could also argue that there are more fat black television hosts supporting you than me, Barack. Look, if it’s a numbers game you want to play, then get out your calculator and do the math. 83 foreign policy experts back my campaign for president, and not yours.

How many do you have, Barack? What’s that? All you could get was 47 names on your list? The score is 83 to 47. You lose. I win.

What’s that, Barack? After all the counting is done you now have another 150 foreign policy experts who advise you? Anonymously, you say? Right. Sure. Uh huh. We can count them.

Not.

That’s the very same kind of fuzzy math they used in Florida’s elections. And what did that get us? George Bush for President.