Hillaryzilla

Uh oh. George Bush is sticking his finger in the Democratic presidential campaign pie. This cross party meddling cannot be a good thing.

Bush told an interviewer today, “There is no question that Senator Clinton understands pressure better than any of the candidates…” Well, duh. That’s what I’ve been saying for a year. But coming from Bush it’s almost a kiss of death. How can it be a good thing if the chief Republican all but endorses my campaign, and casts aspersions on my nearest rival?

This is how it’s working out. The Republicans want me to win the Democratic nomination. Why else would Bush comment on Barack Obama’s foreign policy plans, by calling it, “odd foreign policy?” He’s doing that to cast doubt on Obama’s qualifications and to cast light on my superior experience.

The only thing I haven’t figured out is why the Republicans want me as the Democratic candidate. What do they know about Bill that I don’t know?

Bill told me this would happen. Iowa voters lied to me. Every town hall meeting is the same. Everyone in attendance nods in agreement with everything I say. When I ask for their vote, they all nod as if they’re family, ready to line up and vote another Clinton into office.

Then, someone conducts a poll of Iowa voters and guess what? Obama’s ahead now. See? Iowa voters say one thing, then do something else. Obama’s lead won’t last, of course, especially when everyone finds out he did drugs and got drunk in college.

Voters often say that politicians can’t be trusted. Maybe so. Why? Because politicians get elected to public office by pandering to voters who can’t be trusted. It’s the circle of life, I guess.

I’m to the point where I don’t even trust the most recent polls, even in New Hampshire where voters are considered more honest than Iowa voters. In September, the polls showed me at 43-percent, Obama at 20-percent, and Edwards at 12-percent.

The math in these polls is just nuts. The latest New Hampshire poll shows I’ve dropped 20-percent, Obama increased 10 percent, and Edwards dropped 10-percent. How is that even possible?

The only thing I can figure out is the reaction to all the free tacos and burritos handed out by Bill Richardson. New Hampshire voters secretly love Mexican food. Who knew?

I just finished a well-deserved afternoon nap. I’m still rather euphoric after the Democratic presidential debate last week. What a high. Bill always tells me that it isn’t necessary to win a debate so long as the other guy loses. And that’s exactly what happened in the last debate.

Winning is fun, but watching the other guy lose is fun, too. It was all I could do to keep a little evil smirk off my face when Barack Obama stumbled his way through his convoluted answer on the driver’s license issue with Wolf Blitzer cutting him off, and the audience booing, and John Edwards flip-flopping on his position.

Watching someone else lose is almost as much fun as winning. If you can’t be a clear cut winner, at least don’t do something stupid and lose.  Someone tell that to Obama and Edwards. On second thought, don’t.

What puzzles me is why this last debate devoted so much talk time to Republican issues. Whatever happened to health care and getting out of Iraq? The whole night was spent on Iran, Social Security, immigration, and some crazy-assed need for illegal immigrants to get a driver’s license.

Who’s coming up with Wolf Blitzer’s debate questions? Karl Rove?

It’s after 11:00 PM and the phone rings. Benazir Bhutto wants to talk. Again. Honestly, the woman never stops talking. It’s one conspiracy theory after another.

The last time she called we talked, or, rather, I listened for 30 minutes before I realized it wasn’t Indira Ghandi on the line. I mean, I thought the woman died years ago so I just figured Bill was pulling some kind of prank. Pakistani, Indian, whatever, it’s hard to tell. When they speak English they all sound the same.

Anyway, Benazir is rambling on and on about what happens to elections when right wingers are in charge of the government, how her brother was killed in France, how her father was hanged by a Pakistani General who headed the government over 30 years ago, and how she suspects General Musharraf will do something similar to her. See? One conspiracy theory after another. It never ends with those people.
Finally, I say, “Benazir, what are you talking about?” And she says, “Hillary, do you trust the Republicans to allow the government to change hands after an election?”

I thought to myself, sure, Bush may be a really stupid inarticulate oaf, and completely out of touch with reality, but he wouldn’t rig the electoral college or circumvent a legal election if Republicans lost, would he? Would he?

Then it hit me what Benazir was trying to say without really saying it, almost as if she thought the phone line would be tapped, because I think about that all the time, and then at exactly the same moment we both said it, “Cheney?”

Women just have an intuitive understanding about evil men.

Benazir goes on about how the men in Pakistan hate it when women have power and they’ll do anything to prevent it and it’s all done in the name of glorifying God and saving the nation against sinister forces and that I need to keep an eye on Chelsea and have someone always watch my six. Note to self: stop MacGyver reruns in Pakistan.

Cheney wouldn’t send his goons after Chelsea, would he? The Administration wouldn’t invent some kind of pretext about going to war, with, say, Iran, would they? If there was some kind of made up crisis like the invasion of Iraq, they wouldn’t suspend the elections, would they?

Would they? Suddenly, Benazir’s ramblings made a lot of sense.

It says something about the Democratic presidential campaign when Republican presidential candidates never mention anyone else but Hillary Clinton.

Who do you suppose all the Republicans expect to run against next year? That would be me.

The Republican front runners already are tossing dirt in my direction. Except John McCain. Why? I’m not sure.

Rudy Giuliani says I can’t be trusted. He’s a lawyer from New York, right? How much can you trust a lawyer with three ex-wives? Or is it four? I lost count. Mitt Romney compares me to an intern and says my views are similar to socialist Karl Marx. Go figure.

But John McCain comes along and says, “I think people want a respectful debate and a respectful discussion… legitimate policy differences, those should be debated and discussed.”

What kind of talk is that? I don’t know what to make of McCain. He’s not blasting away at Giuliani or Romney or Thompson or Huckabee or whoever else is left on the Republican side. Instead, McCain says he respects me and won’t follow the example of mud slinging and personal attacks by Giuliani or Romney.

What’s up with that? Is that any way to run a campaign for president? Yes. If you’re the front runner, which McCain is not. Honestly, I don’t know what to think of candidate for president who tells the truth, speaks from his heart, and drives around in a bus all day talking to common folks.

He’s a strange guy, that John McCain.

Leaving Las Vegas is a good feeling. My special thanks to the boo birds who ‘volunteered’ to respond to Edwards’ and Obama’s little mud slinging episode. The Las Vegas debate put me back on track.

Bill took notes during the debate. His scorecard belongs in the Clinton Library. I agree with his assessment of the candidates performance.

Hillary Clinton: 9.3
Excellent response to most questions, laughed a little too hard a little too often, looked very presidential, composed, polished, prepared.

Barack Obama: 7.9
Took the verbose crown from Joe Biden, looked bored, went on the offensive early, peaked early, tends to ramble.

John Edwards: 7.2
Attacked like a snake oil salesman in heat, too much political double talk, peaked with the offensive on Hillary, faded on other questions, pretty boy shine has worn off.

Joe Biden: 8.1
I like this guy’s grit, too long winded but what do you expect from a career politician from a tiny state? No one gets elected president if they’re wearing hair implants.

Bill Richardson: 8.6
Good sense of humor, experience in government shows in answers, might make a good running mate, put him on the list.

Christopher Dodd: 8.4
Still looks like a gray haired frog to me, strong answers, direct, wrong on too many issues, hot trophy wife, though.

Dennis Kucinich: 5.9
Which one of the Seven Dwarfs is he? Dopey? What does he put in his hair to keep the gray out? Who gives this guy money to run a presidential campaign? How did such a goofy looking man get such an attractive wife? What 30-year-old redhead would marry an angry old man with no money?

Elizabeth Kucinich: 9.3
British women are so hot. Especially the redheads.

Color me officially sick of presidential debates. Las Vegas is next on the Boys Meet Girl debate tour, and to mix a couple of metaphors, I see the sharks circling the wagons already.

Debates could be a wonderful forum for candidates to discuss their views on important topics of the day. Instead, the debates have become nothing more than trick questions during Trap Hillary Time, or, another episode of Hit And Miss Hillary. All the other Democratic candidates are thinking the same thing. Paste The Pussy. They’re not saying that, but it’s what they’re thinking.

Politics is a tough business, and silly-assed round robin debates with trick questions don’t help a candidate. The winner is usually the one who didn’t get hurt or bleed as much as the next guy. This time, I’m prepared for a little spin of my own in the Las Vegas debate. “I’m busy attacking the problems facing America, while my Democratic opponents are attacking me.”

If that doesn’t work then I’ve got the gender card up my sleeve.

Someone figured it out. CNN really means the Clinton News Network.

There’s no use denying it. There’s so much campaign money coming in that we had to spend it using creative means, and that means finding honest reporters who are willing to talk about real issues with honesty and integrity. We found a couple of reporters at CNN who were willing to put in a good word. For what it’s worth, some of those CNN reporters make more money than God and all they do is stand around and read stuff written by someone else.

Wolf Blitzer, I’m talking about you.

CNN’s Rick Sanchez knows which side of campaign reporting gets the butter. McCain’s campaign released the “bitch” video and Sanchez goes all ballistic over McCain’s answer about respecting Democrats and calling it an “excellent” question, as if he dreamed up the answer all by himself. Like that could happen. Sanchez even asked another CNN reporter if that gaff would end the McCain candidacy. As if.

Then, McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, sends out a short story cover letter explaining the whole brouhaha which pulled the other Rick’s cover at CNN. The Clinton News Network.

Very funny, Rick. That’s Rick Davis, not Rick Sanchez. Sanchez is on our team. Davis is on McCain’s team.

I just don’t see a problem here.

One thing about campaigning in Iowa. The people there ask the same damned questions over and over and over. Don’t they pay attention to each other? I know there’s a newspaper in Iowa and at least one television station because we’re running ads, spending money, educating the unwashed masses in Corn Country.

So I thought. After hearing the same question for the 27th time last week, I asked a staffer to prepare a binder of questions to be used during campaign stops. That way, we could hand out questions to the good folks from Iowa and they wouldn’t look or sound so stupid by always asking the same questions.

Well, the best laid plans of mice and men, blah, blah, blah. I should ask myself questions.

We give a question to this girl, a plant in the audience named Muriel from Grinnell College, and we tell her to ask me the question during one of those town hall meetings that Iowans so love. The idea is to ask the question like it’s your own question, right? So what does this airhead girl do? She reads the question out loud, on camera, like she’s reading a question instead of asking a question. There’s a big difference.

We’re only providing the questions to audience plants because the voters in Iowa aren’t smart enough to ask their own questions. What do they know about global warming in Iowa? For some reason, everyone in Iowa is now pissed at me because we planted questions in the audience. Hey, at least I answered the question.

Is it any wonder the state slogan is, “Iowa. We Do Things With Corn?”

I got a phone call from Chelsea tonight and she was all upset and crying and blubbering about something that happened between her and her new boyfriend. So, I ask her, “Chelsea, when did you plan to tell me about your new boyfriend? You promised?”

Well, she apologized, said it wouldn’t happen again, blah, blah, blah. I swear, the girl looks 30 but acts like she’s 17.

Finally, Chelsea calms down enough to tell me that she and her new boyfriend had a little too much to drink and ended up, well, you know, her dress ended up with a big stain down the front. I thought she was worried about what would happen if she got pregnant or something, and here she is, crying on the phone over a stain on her dress.

Like I know something about how to get a stain out of a dress? Come on, Chelsea. Put that Stanford University education to good use. What’s your major, honey? Oh, yeah. Chemistry. Then History.

Chelsea is my innocent, over-educated, plain Jane bookworm. I told her, “Chelsea honey, put two and two together. Chemistry. History. What do you get?” And she says, “A way to get the stain out, momma?”

The girl’s got a Master’s degree from Oxford, a six figure salary, and a cushy job doing who knows what, but she can’t count. Dense as a brick.

“Don’t touch that stain, Chelsea. It might be evidence one day.”