Microsoft makes my face hurt

I’m on the plane tonight trying to relax the cramps in my face. Most of Tuesday morning was devoted to a series of fundraisers in Seattle, and a visit to Microsoft’s corporate campus in nearby Redmond, then flights to Colorado and Iowa. Again. If I never see a row of corn again it will be too soon.

The fundraisers in Seattle were a bust. Over 1,000 Democrats hit the streets for donations and all they came up with is a measly $150,000. We did three times that much in money, most of it in cash, just bending a few Chinese arms in New York. Those immigrants will ante up when someone tells them their green card will get delayed if they don’t pay up.

I suppose the drag on fundraising is due to the weather in Washington. The state, not D.C. The state is as gloomy as ever. It’s no wonder there’s a Starbucks on every block. Those poor people have to rely on caffeine fixes just to get started each day.

Speaking of smiles, my face hurts. Walking around Microsoft’s campus wore out my smile. I have cramps. It’s difficult enough being friendly to strangers and act interested just to get a donation, but I honestly felt like I was lost in some kind of a Borg hive. Bill Gates’ collective drones were everywhere. I swear, Microsoft must be giving night school classes and training to employees on how to suck up to politicians because that’s all those drones know how to do. Suck up and grin.

My guide during the visit was Tanya Clemons, a black woman from Louisiana, who introduced me to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. You’d have thought I was an I.R.S. auditor the way the man sweats. Seriously. There must be an environmental ban on Arrid Extra Dry in Washington. At first I thought the whole introduction was some kind of political joke. You know, pull one over on old Hillary with the actor who played Frankenstein’s monster, then I realized it really wasn’t Peter Boyle that Tanya introduced to me. Ballmer is a dead ringer for Boyle. Boyle is just dead.

My facial cramps started about five minutes after I shook hands with Ballmer and Gates. You never know what people like that are thinking. They just stood around and looked at me. No smile. No frown. It was creepy. All the while, I’m thinking, “Do they want to donate to my campaign? Are they trying to curry favor? Is this what corporate suck up is like in the land where the sun doesn’t shine? What’s up with these people? What do they want?”

Al Gore warned me about the facial wars that take place at Microsoft. He said just to smile back the same way, don’t show emotion, don’t lick my lips, don’t look them in eye, don’t touch them, and don’t make sudden moves. Al said the herd there is easily spooked. I did what he said but my face still hurts a day later.

For a company made up entirely of overpaid, well-educated drones, attendance at my speech was paltry, and mostly made up of a few dozen Microsoft vice presidents, all wearing blue oxford shirts, who kept looking at their watches while I was speaking. Then I found out that Al Gore’s buddy, Steve Jobs was giving a motivational talk to Microsoft employees later in the day.

Maybe he could motivate Al to lay off the Angus burgers.