Hillaryzilla

Back in the day we tried to get health care for everyone who wanted it. The problem was that those who didn’t want it were in congress.

Guess what? I’m baaaaack. This time there’s no 1,300 page bill waiting for salivating lawmakers to chew into. Politics is about living and learning. Sometimes I have to support bills that make no sense simply to be around to support the bills that do.

Health Care 2.0. The buzz words are, in no particular order, “consensus, bi-partisan, simple, universal.” All the stakeholders are in line, including, and in no particular order, “doctors, lawmakers, hospitals, the medical industry, pharmaceutical industry, the insurance industry.” They don’t know what they’re signing on for. Yet. But they’re on board because they know that health care is broken, breaking, doomed. We need a plan.

My American Health Choices Plan.

Watch the television commercial. It’s buzz word savvy. Plan. Choice. Health. Then add a money quote, and 75-percent of everyone is on board.

“Here’s how my plan will work: If you have private insurance you like, nothing changes… You like the doctor you have, you can keep that doctor.”

How can anyone argue with that kind of reasoning?Only two problems lie ahead.

The first is the millions of individuals who need health care but don’t have it and don’t want it. Everyone else subsidizes them when they get sick or hurt. They don’t have much say, but they mess up the math since they don’t pay.

The second problem is the insurance companies because a good health care plan must be universally available. They know it, but they don’t like it. It can only work if everyone gets in on the plan even if they have pre-existing conditions.

One problem at a time. First sell, then deliver.

One of my staffers dared to ask a personal question today. “Senator, what’s on your iPod?”

Our country has serious problems in domestic and foreign policy issues, and I’m paying someone with a college degree and a desire to help shape America’s future to ask questions like that.

I’m trying to be more spontaneous and quickly responded with, “Beatles, Stones, Aretha, Fleetwood Mac, Eagles, U2. Why do you ask?” Following up with a question of my own makes the whole conversation seem spontaneous, but I’m back on top. I like to be on top.

“It’s a question we get from reporters all the time. I just wanted to hear it from you, rather than after it’s been filtered by the press,” she said.

I thought, “Good girl, but there’s so much you don’t know about politics.“  It isn’t what I listen to that matters, it’s what’s on my iPod that people assume I will listen to that matters. It may seem subtle, but the difference is huge.

So I said, “Oh, Grasshopper. Why is it that you do not know already the answer to your question?”

There’s a broad spectrum of voters out there; old, young, savvy, idiots. My choice of music says something about me and my tastes and background and pesonal habits. These are all things people want to know because, Lord knows, this is how mainstream Americans pick a president. Voting record, knowledge of government, ability shape the hearts and minds of the masses– means nothing when all voters want to know about is your choice of music.

Bill had the same thing about personal issues, including questions people shouldn’t even be allowed to ask, but do so anyway. For example, “Boxers or briefs?” Not for me. For Bill.  He said, “Usually briefs.”

See? Perfectly honest, yet broad enough not to offend anyone. What kind of music do I like? The kind voters want to hear that I like.

I finished off my staffer’s response with another question. “Why did we name our daughter ‘Chelsea?‘”

Well, it is out there and ready for everyone to take a close look. The health care plan for the century. Monday is a good day to release good news. Friday is good for bad news.

Who can be against improved health care? Apparently, anyone running for office. One sure fire way to keep voters from hating a politician is for politicians to get voters to hate someone else. You would think it was a health care free for all.

There are two sides to every fence in politics. The best politicians manage to get a foot firmly planted on both sides. American’s want a change. But they want experience, too. Who else gives the voters what they want?

Health care free for all?

Of course not. That wouldn’t be prudent. Read. My. Lips. “No free health care.” Voters would like it, but most are reasonable enough to understand that someone has to make health care universally available and someone has to pay for it.

If everyone pays a little, everyone benefits. The government does not pick up the whole tab. Neither does the employee, or the employer. It is the perfect storm.

A campaign for president is not just about beating the other guy into a pulp, even if voters want to see it on a nationally televised debate. A campaign is about which candidate looks and sounds the most presidential. Voters know that. They know health care is good but they do not understand all the details and certainly do not understand all the fuss.

To help voters understand the issues more clearly, we put together a few health care commercials that shows the true Hillary; the Hillary I want everyone to know and love and honor and obey.

Change. And experience. It is the perfect storm.

I thought Bill was the original Come Back Kid. Looks like our old pal Al Gore is making a career out of sucking up to Hollywood big wigs.

It’s hard to believe that Al won an Oscar for a campaign speech, but that’s what An Inconvenient Truth really is. He made a movie out of a speech with slides.

For years I pitied Al because he was so close to taking the White House. He and Bill just didn’t have the cajones to send in tanks and take it.

Now Al wins an Emmy to go with the Oscar. For what? Current TV, an obscure television channel that nobody watches. Think of it as YouTube on TV instead of your computer. Kids already have the attention span of a former Fox broadcaster turned White House press secretary. Two minute clips of home videos will help kids how? Bob Saget was the last person to make money from video clips. Even Google can’t figure out how.

Al gets an Emmy but at least he was shrewd enough to share it with Hyatt and others involved in Current. They’re all looking for work elsewhere. Speaking of work, I’m adding Al to my project list. I want him to have a job. He isn’t any good on the campaign trail, but someone’s bound to need a guy with a good Hollywood Rolodex.

Al’s money quote

“We are trying to open up the television mediums so that viewers can help to make television and join the conversation of democracy and reclaim American democracy by talking about the choices we have to make.”

Whatever.

I can take a joke as well as anyone. Every member of the Clinton family knows how to roll with the punches.

The latest punch is a joke making the rounds in Washington about the Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp. Please. If you’ve just eaten or have a weak stomach, turn the TV on to Fox News.

This joke has been around in a few different versions for a few years. This is what you get when you try to help people.

“The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the “Hillary” postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

1 - The stamp was manufactured properly.

2 - There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3 - People were just spitting on the wrong side.”

Just to set the record straight, there is no Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp. There will be. Give me a year.

And who spits on stamps anyway? Just wait until Bush gets his own stamp. People will buy them by the sheets and use them as Texas Toilet Paper.

There’s something about good discipline that requires a uniform. A man in uniform looks polished, dignified, in control. When I become Commander-in-Chief I’ll see about getting a uniform.

Bill would look good in a unform. So does General Wesley Clark. The gray hair, the reserved smile, the crisp uniform, and all those medals– it just gives me a quiver to sit next to the man.

Speaking of quivers, General Clark endorsed the Clinton for President campaign today. Timing is everything. We had it all set up and Rudykong walked right into it. All that nonsense about Hillary not respecting Petraeus or the military doesn’t look so tough today, does it Rudy? One endorsement from a well-respected and handsome military general is all it took.

Clark’s money quote is almost good enough to get him into another Clinton administration. “She’s a remarkable person. She’s had incredible experiences; she’s smart; she’s done her homework.” All the gushing words came from our speech writing team. Clark looks good in uniform but can’t handle himself in a speech or a press conference. He’s worse than Bush with a stuttering problem. Oh, wait…

Clark looks good, smiles great, and he can write. Or, at least he can afford to hire someone to help him with his writing. That’s alright. I have people help me with speeches.

Clark’s book is “A Time to Lead.” See? Timing again. We’ve got him scheduled to visit Iowa and New Hampshire over the next few months. Everywhere Clark goes to plug his book, I’ll show up a day later, just like Bill has it in the plan.

Everyone wants a piece of me, including a fellow New Yorker who should know better. Alright, I’m not really a New Yorker, but politics being what it is, even New Yorkers understand opportunity when it knocks, and I’m at the door delivering the goods. They respect that.

What they don’t respect is King Kong chest-beating by Mister Mayor. Rudy Giuliani got stunned by Fred Thompson’s quick rise up the polls last week and needed to do something drastic to show how tough he can be, since he hasn’t been tough on anyone but ex-wives in years.

What’s Rudykong doing now? Besides chest thumping on top of the Empire State Building? He’s doing what every good politican does– separate yourself from your nearest rival, in this case Fred Thompson.

How does he pull it off? By attacking a woman. Me. That shows you how tough Rudy is.

In a classic case of “she said, he said” Rudy bought a full page advertisement in the New York Times to accuse me of attacking the character of Iraq commander General David Petraeus. Puhleeze, Rudy. I don’t even know the man. I only know what I read in the papers.

Still, I’m suspicious about the books Bush and Petraeus have cooked up regarding troop levels in Iraq. Let’s see if I have this right– everyone calls for the US to reduce troops in Iraq. Bush escalates the war and calls it a “surge” of 30,000 troops. Then the president’s uniformed lap dog says “All is going well. Let’s bring home 30,000 troops next year.”

That’s a troop reduction, Republican style. If Macy’s raised the prices of their shoes by 30-percent, then, a few months later had a sale of 25-percent off, should we applaud their effort? I think not.

All this tit for tat is not becoming of a man who likes to hit women. It all started when Rudy read an advertisement from MoveOn.org which accused Petraeus of cooking the books in Iraq– “General Petraeus or General Betray Us?” Is that a catchy phrase, or what?

Sorry, Rudy. I didn’t have anything to do with that one. MoveOn acted independently. Call off your dogs before someone gets hurt.

Our old friend, health care, is back and ready for another march on Washington. This time will be different.  Trust me.

Back in the day, when Bill was in his prime and I had the time, health care was at the top of my do list. To do items come and go, especially in politics, so what happens? My health care baby got stabbed to death by Republicans in congress.

The needs of the people in our own country have been ignored while everyone focused attention on Iraq. How’s the war on terror going these days? I’d say it is going well. When was the last attack on the US? 2001, right?

So, let’s get back on track and start helping ourselves at home. Look, I’m not talking socialism or free medical care for everyone in the country. That’s absurd. 48-million Americans don’t have health insurance at all, and another 40-million have coverage so weak as to be worthless.

Here’s the problem and one big reason why you’ll see health care as a major issue next year. George Bush collected thousands of terrorists and parked their dark asses in Guantanamo Bay, right? Then he gave them all free health care. Don’t you think Americans should have health care at least as good as the Republicans give to terrorists?

The plan is coming. Broad strokes, of course. No details. No one with any sense offers full details this early in a campaign. The biggest question we’ll get is, “How can the government afford universal health care?”

That’s the beauty of my plan. The government won’t have to pay for it. You’ll see.

There are some people you don’t want to piss off, no matter the situation. Your dentist. Your waitress. Anybody who works on your car or gives money to your political campaign.

I love letter carriers as much as I love plumbers and a lot more than I love political consultants and donors looking to buy an ambassadorship.

Letter carriers used to be called the mailman. They’re all unionized and politically adept these days. These people know they have the country by the cojones but they don’t flaunt it. Remember, though, these are the folks to put high on your Do Not Piss Off List.

Why? Do the math. Letter carriers deliver everything everywhere. If they like you, the delivery is made. If not, the delivery shows up as a dirty envelope on the news sometime in 2039.

The National Association of Letter Carriers union just gave the presidential campaign a big boost with their endorsement. “Hillary loves letter carriers,” I always say. Letter carriers have a tough, demanding job, so they’re interested in what they can get from the government. Health care, better education, the typical list of benefits to having a Democrat around instead of a cowboy who shoots first and asks questions later.

Any politician who doesn’t vote in favor of legislation beneficial to letter carriers is not smart enough to be in politics, let alone run for the White House. That’s why nobody sends campaign contributions to Republicans through the mail.

Why is it that the fund raisers who are so good at collecting money for politicians are such slime balls?

Today we had to give back over $850,000 in campaign funds collected by some guy named Norman Hsu from Hong Kong. I don’t even remember meeting him. Chinese men look so much alike.

Now I find out that he’s a fugitive from the law and California authorities have been after him since before Bill was elected president. Is our legal system broken, or what?

Hsu did a good job of raising money, though. He was on the Top 20 List of Democratic donors. Even Obama received campaign donations from Hsu. What’s the word from you, now, Mister Goody Two Shoes?

Apparently Hsu is a US citizen now. I think that’s fine. Foreigners should be allowed to come into the US as long as they have the money and can pay their way. But we need some kind of bidding system.

I know I’m doing the right thing with this little donation hiccup. Howard Wolfson will give the money back to everyone involved in Hsu’s donation scheme, but I want him to tell each donor it’s alright with Hillary if they just write out another check.

It costs a lot of money to run a presidential campaign these days, what with having to do background checks on donations.