Hillaryzilla

I love Oakland. There’s not much of an identifiable skyline and the Raiders have seen better days, but the people can still get excited over the politics of change.

Change is what Oakland is all about. Think of Jerry Brown and Al Davis. They’re both over the hill but still capable of change in a world that hasn’t learned to embrace the dynamics of change.

Take Al Davis. Please. He’s living crust.

Al owns the Oakland Raiders. He’s the same guy who brought John Madden and John Gruden to professional football coaching ranks. Both were too young to coach. Both did well. Al takes risks to manage change. His newest head coach (he gets a new one every couple of years) is Lane Kiffin. He’s about Chelsea’s age. At least he doesn’t look like Chucky Gruden.

Sunday night we had over 10,000 people show up for a Club 44 event. At least the voters in Oakland understand the significance of the “44.” San Francisco gets it. They don’t get it back in Cleveland. No wonder Ohio is so red these days. They think I’m 44 years old. I wish.

I had to call Irma Henderson in Oakland tonight and apologize. She got stuck beyond the $20 donation area with the rest of the crowd and was miffed at me. Irma’s money quote: “It’s not good. With all this public fundraising scandal, it’s like she just wants the money.”

Duh.

I called Kathleen Crandall in Berkeley right after I called Irma. Irma was a downer. I don’t like to end the day on a downer. Kathleen was a Republican until four years ago. See how uplifting politics can be? Embrace change, honey. It’s good. Now Kathleen says, Clinton is “our best shot.”

You go girl.

That’s my take on baseball this year. It could happen. Hey, I’m from Chicago and the White Sox had their day already. I serve New York, so the logical pick there is where the money is. The Yankees and George Steinbrenner.

What about the Mets? Won’t happen. Why? Two words. Losers. That’s one word. Sorry. How about free fall? The Mets should move the team to the Philippines. Then change their name to the Manila Folders.

The Cubs are a pitiful baseball team that barely deserves to play in the majors. Look at their division. Every team played so poorly you’d think they were playing for a bonus if they lost the pennant. The only reason the Cubs won is because Lou Piniella yells louder than any other manager. The players are all afraid Lou will bust a vein. Messy.

Only the St. Louis Cardinals have won a Series with a worse record than the Cubs. Hint: both teams are in the same division.

A Cubs and Yankees World Series would be heaven for me. I can’t lose. Only the dying members of Red Sox Nation would hold a grudge against me for picking the Yanks. Big whoop. They’ll have to wait another century for Boston to win again anyway. Some people love being losers.

Remember, Boston is in Massachusetts, and Massachusetts is the bluest state in the country. Everyone knows it. And what did the voters in Massachusetts do? They elected a Republican as governor. Idiots.

I got a call from George Steinbrenner this morning. He asked if I would be available to throw out the first ball in a Cubs and Yankees World Series.

I said yes. One of Tim Russert’s.

Damn that Tim Russert. Demons were once cherubs and I won’t be fooled by that cherub grin of his again.

The debate in New Hampshire went well enough, but it’s becoming clear that George Bush and the Iraq war are not  the only targets for political finger pointing. Isn’t it clear that most of the Democratic contenders want to see me as a bellowing sheep stuck in a barbed wire fence.

Keep your hands off the zippers, boys. I can kick Democrats as well as Republicans.

Russert’s cheap shot came during the debate when he pointed out that a former Meet the Press guest said torture should not be American policy. The guest was Bill. Russert thought he had a difference of opinion and he knew it would make great sport on TV news and YouTube. It didn’t. Like a fat buzzard he zeroed in for the meat and came up with dent in his beak.
What I answered was, “As a matter of policy it cannot be American policy period.” How is that different than Bill’s answer? Russert went for a cheap shot and lost.

I’m tried of these debates and I won every last one of them, hands down. Even Obama faked a cold and sat out most of the New Hampsire discussion.

Debates are getting old. Same candidates. Same questions. All that changes is who is behind which podium and who asks the questions. Even the answers are the same. Debates are for suckers.

I got a call from Rob Reiner last night. He’s ready to commit Hollywood to the campaign. Says he’s met with all the candidates except Mike Gravel and Al Gore.

Sometimes I wonder if having support from Hollywood is really worth it. Sure, we get plenty of money at a time when there’s never enough, but then Hollywood turns around and produces Primary Colors and Wag the Dog. I swear, they use politicians simply to come up with movie scripts.

It still hurts to know that I wasn’t Reiner’s first choice for president. He’s got the hots for Al Gore. Everyone in Hollywood loves the guy. They love anyone who’s not on a diet and has no visible means of support except a pension. Just like O.J.

So Rob’s on the phone going on and on about Hollywood stars and fundraisers and how his father has some ideas about health care? His father? Carl Reiner? Honestly, I thought he died years ago.

I still can’t stop laughing about this even if it is old news. Barrack Obama’s kids think he’s stinky.

Says who? His wife, Michelle. She told the press that her kids like to snuggle in the morning but won’t go to daddy because he’s all stinky and snores. Smart kids.

In an era where Britney Spears parental skills are questioned 24/7 on the news channels, why is no one concerned about Barrack Obama’s inherent stinkiness? Where’s the follow up? Where’s the outrage?

It’s the so-called Messiah Factor. Obama is not grabbing headlines based on who he is or what he’s done. He hasn’t been around long enough to do much, hence the lack of experience. People are wising up to that.

Obama grabs headlines because he has an interesting name, he’s articulate, and he’s almost black. He represents hope for the impoverished in America. Thankfully, there aren’t too many impoverished around. Unless you count Republicans in congress.

Add the Messiah Factor to a candidate for political office and the media starts cutting slack faster than GM cuts autoworker benefits. Don’t you think Jesus had body odor? You don’t find anyone talking about that, right?

You gotta love what kids say about their parents. Did you ever wonder why Chelsea doesn’t do interviews? Keep wondering.

If I could bottle this and sell it, I would. I’d make a fortune. Hillary Heat. It makes men swoon, though probably for different reasons than Chanel No.5.

Summer is over, fall is here, the Democratic convention isn’t until next year, and already candidates are dropping like flies around the tale of an Arkansas razorback in the August heat. True, there haven’t been official announcements but you can tell what’s coming.

Hillary Heat causes the smell of desperation.

John Edwards has a new plan for this or that every week. So many plans. So little attention by anyone except his wife and Anne Coulter. Barrack Obama can’t figure out where to go or when– Senate votes or Iowa campaign stops. So he misses both and goes somewhere else. Where, is anybody’s guess. He has my sympathy. Wound licking should be done in private.

Who’s left? Dennis Kucinich?

Final note for the day. I’m phoning it in and still collecting applause and money.

Hillary Heat knocked out radar and phone service to the Federal Aviation Administration’s Memphis Center today. My bad. I was on a plane in Little Rock and focused so hard on my upcoming speech in Chicago, that I must have overloaded some circuits in Memphis causing an outage. I got myself grounded on the tarmac and missed an afternoon speech in Chicago.

What’s a woman to do? Well, I phoned it in. Seriously. I called up the Change to Win union convention in Chicago and did the whole speech bit on the cell phone. Hillary Heat transcends geography and knows no bounds.

I promise not to say I told you so. But I told you so. Every dog has its day. Also, politics makes strange bedfellows. Put the two together and watch what happens.
Columbia President Lee Bollinger invited Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak to students today. It was not a fine moment for such a prestigious university. Iran just won another battle in the Mideast.

Bollinger blistered Ahmadinejad and called him a “petty and cruel dictator.” In return, Ahmadinejad did the Muhammad Ali “rope a dope” and took the punches like a seasoned politician (the kind that are elected). It was yet another reason why leaders of academia should not get involved in political mud-slinging.

Debate? Yes. Mud-slinging? No.

Ahmadinejad took the insults, stood, and calmly said, “There were insults and claims that were incorrect, regretfully.”  Ahamadinejad 1, Columbia President, 0. The score will play much higher in Iran. That’s the problem.

The whole event boiled down to a futile but entertaining exercise of “he said, she said,” the debate that only sparks more debate and does little to get to the center of an issue. It was a sad day for everyone except talking heads and George W. Bush.

The talking heads on television and radio will have trucks of fodder for a slow news week. The President? He said Ahmadinejad’s appearance “speaks volumes about really the greatness of America.”

One of my staffers asked me why the Iranians are so upset with America. It has something to do with America supporting Saddam Hussein  in his war against Iran.

You’d think they would learn to forgive and forget. I have.

“Put your tongue to the grindstone.” That’s what Bill told me Sunday morning. That’s what I did. He likes tongue jokes.

Bill went back to Little Rock for the 50th anniversary of the integration of the city’s Central High School and I had the whole day to myself. Except for those 17 different interviews and appearances. Give or take. Before lunch. Talk, talk, talk.

Think of it as America’s Tour de Hillary. Meet the Press was my favorite. Tim Russert is such a cherub. Wouldn’t he make a great White House press secretary? The guy always smiles. He’d be perfect. He’s got hair and a career to go back to which makes him a better fit than Tony Snow. Alan Greenspan was there, too. Honestly, I thought he died already.

Off camera I asked Tim, “Am I the only one who noticed that Senator Obama keeps missing key senate votes? Why is that?” Tim said, “Money?” Smart guy, but he answered a question with a question. Obviously, it means more to Obama to collect money than it does to represent the people of Illinois, so he stays on the campaign trail all the time. Where’s the press coverage of that, Tim?

Obama’s coming to New York to beg for money, uh, campaign this week. He goes for money in person. It’s nice when you don’t have to do that. Being the front runner has advantages. Like dangling a little VP bling here and there. Don’t tell anyone, but Senator Evan Bayh is ready to endorse Clinton for President. I think of him as Al Gore with less of an appetite.

Speaking of appetites, doesn’t Tim Russert look like Chucky? There is something evil in that cherubic grin.

What is funnier these days than the news? 500 news channels and nothing is on. News has become a situation comedy with the same characters night after night.

News That Makes Me Laugh #21 - Former Mexican President Vincente Fox is hilarious. Or, is it Hillarious. Whatever. The guy is funny. And smart.. Bill got me a copy of his book. Fox is more astute than the Cisco Kid.

Fox says Bush is “the cockiest guy I have ever met in my life.” Vinny, my friend. He’s a politician. It’s what we do. How about George’s Spanish? Fox says Bush’s Spanish is about “grade school level.” That means he speaks Spanish as well as he speaks English.

News That Makes Me Laugh #23 - Hillary Clinton is a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. People say all kinds of things about me so what can I do? I did an interview with The Advocate’s Sean Kennedy, and he said, “I 100-percent believe she’s a straight, heterosexual woman.”

Sean is such a fruitcake.

News That Makes Me Laugh #12 - An oldie but a goodie. Mitt Romney is the only Republican candidate with an outside chance who has had only one wife. And he’s the Mormon. So much for Republican Family Values.

Except for Romney, the top Republican presidential candidates all look like Dwight Eisenhower just before he died. Romney is the one no one pays attention to and, take it from me, he would make a very good, competitive candidate. He’d still lose. But he would look good trying.

It’s a long race and anything can happen. That’s the official line. After all, no one has cast a vote yet.

The unofficial line is much different. Even before the first votes the whole Democratic presidential campaign has become a three way race for second place. Obama, Edwards, and probably someone else.

You know what that means? Once the first few votes are cast the second tier of Democratic presidential contenders start jockeying for their future in government. At least one wants the vice president’s spot. That’s why Obama doesn’t say much except, “we need a change.” Others just want a job.

How about Ambassador to Mongoluxemstan?

Put your name on a piece of paper and drop it into the hat, boys. After Iowa it’s just a matter of time. I wonder if I can appoint ambassadorships alphabetically?