Watch Out, Egypt. I’ve Got Your Number

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How dare those Egyptian camel jockeys throw tomatoes at my motorcade! What were they thinking? This is why there are no Egyptian pitchers in pro baseball. They can’t hit anything and completely missed my car and struck one of their own government officials. Watch out, Egypt. I’ve got your number and it goes down every … Read More »

Me And My Big Mouth

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Last night I got this call from President Obama. He says, “Hillary, would you do something for me? Nobody else but you can do this.” Whoa. What an invitation. The leader of the free world needs me. So, without really thinking it through, I said, “Sure, Mr. President. Whatever you need, I’m here.” What’s wrong … Read More »

The Thrill Is Gone

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I don’t know how Maggy Thatcher did it. She was a tough and energetic Prime Minister even though she was old. I’ve been on top and on the bottom. That’s how life is. Now I’m close to the top again. This is how I want to go out. Me on top. Back in the day … Read More »

My Talk With Newt Gingrich (speed dial is a bitch)

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My phone is always on and I’m usually calling or being called by someone. Bill, Barack, heads of state, celebrities, they all have my number and don’t mind using. Late Sunday night I was trying to call that Chinese blind guy, Chen Guangcheng and apparently hit the wrong photo on my phone’s speed dial. Newt … Read More »

Forgetting Jason Segel

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Jason Segel seems like a nice young man. It would just never work out between us. He’s hinted around for a few months that he’d like to star in a movie with me. Fat chance. If it were George Clooney, maybe. Well, not even maybe. But Jason Segel? He’s the guy who starred in the … Read More »

No More Drunk Texting For Me!

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This is my own fault, really. I figured that since the Secret Service was engaged in late night revelry that it would be alright for me. The only problem is that I can’t hold my liquor. A bottle, a couple of shots, or even a few sniffs of Purell and I’m done for the night. … Read More »

I’m Going To China, Baby!

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The Clintons are going to China. Again. What a shopping trip this will be. Sure, we have to meet top Chinese officials and tour some factories and schools, but the real reason to go to China is all the cheap stuff. And I don’t mean that in a Walmart kind of way. The trip almost … Read More »

The Wizard Nerd From Oz

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There is no rest for the weary. I’m on the road for a month, partying like there’s no tomorrow in country after country, and what happens when I get back home? Another party. This one is for Australia’s new foreign minister, Bob Carr. All these Aussies sound alike, but I never forget a face or … Read More »

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